How much do I love goofy fitness stuff? While it may not tone your ass, it will certainly make you look like one, and that’s entertaining for the rest of us, so props for that. I’ve been all over the iGallop, and someday I will find one at a garage sale or Sharper Image or porn shop and I will take footage of myself getting an ab workout on that shit, I promise, because I can only imagine the possibilities… But until that day, I have to be content with trolling around looking at the silly-fuck stuff people market and package and hawk on late-night infomercials.
But here’s the thing: I really don’t get a chance to watch as many infomercials as I’d like, and I miss the best stuff all the time unless some PR person happens to send me a link to some gawdawful piece of equipment and I somehow actually read the email. So if YOU happen across anything silly, infuriating, or dorky in the fitness equipment or DVD realm, please send it to me. I love this shit, I do, the posts write themselves sometimes.
So does any of the amazing, tone your muscles and burn fat in six weeks or less gear actually work? Um, well, good question. But maybe a better question would be: Does it work any better than traditional cardio equipment or weights? Generally the answer is no. But if your goal is to look like a dumbass while you exercise, then by all means, spend the six easy payments of $19.95 and call now for your free water bottle. Really, do it. And yeah, you might have to follow the idiotic restricted-calorie diet program recommended to even have a prayer of seeing results, and even then… Um, money-back guarantee anyone?
Like, for example, do you feel like your walks are lacking that, “I wanna play with a yo-yo-gyroscope kind of thing and burn calories while I do it” feeling? Hey, there’s this Jyze thing. I’m sure it’s just genius and all, ahem. I believe that rhymes with “thighs”. Doesn’t rhyme with “biz”. If it did, that’s just nasty, and you don’t want to play with it on your walks. Why do I wish Tony Little would market this thing? And by the way, he is quite possibly the MOST OBNOXIOUS HUMAN BEING EVER, and you can tell I’m being generous cuz I said human being, not mullet-y freakotron in need of a tranquilizer dart to the neck at close range.
Right, well anyway, I do have some advice for the most fundamental fitness equipment you can own. Here’s my priority list:
1. Some shit you will actually use. For me that’s running shoes, a supportive sports bra, athletic pants that don’t make me weep even when I’m PMSed, dumbbells, barbells, and some assorted bands and kettlebells and balls and crap like that for variety. You know why everyone is always doing lunges? BECAUSE THEY WORK. Sorry, I’m guessing the very best shit has already been invented. Call me when they make something new that isn’t just a repackaged something old or a dumbass nearly worthless bit of gear.
2. I don’t have a number 2. I don’t need a fancy-ass elaborate glide-band-vibrate-rocking piece of cardio and resistance training equipment. My house is crowded enough as it is without some fucking aerobic albatross in the living room, and I’m good enough at looking foolish on my own without asking my exercise equipment to pull double-duty.
3. I do like a portable music device of some sort. That’s always good. But optional.
What’s your most crucial exercise equipment anyway? Oh, and what’s your Roller Derby name? Mine is either Backalley Killspree or Hellspawn Bombshell. You tell me.
Action Destruction or Basher ExterminateHer. My most crucial piece of exercise equipment (for outside) are my pale purple sunglasses that make me look super sporty. They are lightweight and do not slip. I can wear them for hours and they never bug me.
Erin G.
February 12th, 2009
Apparently, I’m Bradentucky Bombies. LOL!
moonduster (Becky)
February 12th, 2009
Crucial exercise equipment = that voice in my head that insists I can’t eat breakfast (protein pancakes, maple syrup and yogurt) until I’ve trained hard.
x
Katiep
February 12th, 2009
I always always always give my clients a handful of homework exercises that they can do at home, sans equipment. For me, the crucials are the necessities for swimming, biking, and running. Expensive gear, but all necessary. As far as traditional fitness equipment, it’s gotta be the stability ball. Love the stability ball.
And it’s Jamie Demolition.
Jamie
February 12th, 2009
alice heartless. coffee is essential. pants that don’t give me too much camel toe. tons of shoes (not essential, but EESential, ya know?)
juliet
February 12th, 2009
I’m always amazed at the crazy contraptions people come up with in the name of fitness. Some of it looks like the stuff that Wile E Coyote would use to catch the roadrunner. Still, people buy this stuff. I guess hope springs eternal when you’re eating a bag of Doritos at 2am.
My roller derby name? Dave “the ANIMAL” Nordmark, obviously.
David at Animal-Kingdom-Workouts.com
February 12th, 2009
My only necessity is music. I can’t last more than a half hour in the gym without my tunes.
My name is either Jamie Hellspawn or Jamie MurderHer. I’m partial to the second.
attrice
February 12th, 2009
AssWhuppin’ BruiseHer… nice. that generator is psychic.
Lauren
February 12th, 2009
OMG, my name is Scarlet AssassinateHer, which I now expect all of you to call me.
My necessary exercise gear? At least one other person. Yes, I need all the supportive clothing but it’s having someone to either run or work out with that makes it actually happen.
Shari/Scarlet
February 12th, 2009
Okay… I’ve been lurking for too long. Just call me Badass Cantankherass.
Stas
February 12th, 2009
Becky DaButcherKnife y’all. I like a nice yoga mat and incense sometimes. Really badass quality earbuds. Ipod touch. Peanut butter banana “recovery” smoothies. Guess none of that is essential though. Not like the running shoes and the sports bra.
Oh and underwear that don’t give me a wedge are infinitely preferable but I’ve run with problem undies in the past because once I start I don’t want to stop. Hope I’m not alone in that.
nolafwug
February 12th, 2009
Heh “Amazon AnnihilateHer” I like it.
Meg
February 13th, 2009
Anyone remember the Hawaii Chair? “Take the work out of your workout!”
Imagine, you can lose weight without work, effort or discipline on your part…amazing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9_amg-Aos4
Chris
February 16th, 2009
And to all my royal subjects I shall now be called:
Princess Shattering! ha ha.
Essential equipment: good sports bra. Let’s just say the girls never leave home without it.
Erin
February 17th, 2009
The proof is in the roller derby name: Alice PunkRawk. My status in the punkosphere is cemented!
val
February 17th, 2009
AssWhuppin’ Manslaughter is my new name.
Sue is shorter.
Essential equipment - a yoga mat, and music. Good shoes as well.
Sue
February 18th, 2009