FitnessFixation.com

Eeew, this picture could mess with your training.Some, um, people I know were talking about their sex lives the other day, and the discussion turned to how often respective couples engage in the sport to end all sports (pssst, I’m talking about fucking–and it reminded me of this article on Olympians going screw-crazy, awesome). When one person mentioned their pretty consistent training schedule, there were some follow up questions that indicated the conversation had moved from “Oh really? How interesting,” to “Oh yeah? Watch us smack that record down, mo fo.” Such is life for competitive people. Like you could see the wheels turning, and watch the criteria for victory and rules of the game being developed.

Now, the people I know are competitive, but you’d be hard-pressed to find anyone who likes to run with an idea as much as I do. (Now that I said that, some of them are right now trying to figure out how they can beat me in the running-with-ideas event, I bet.) I do feel more qualified to develop standards for this, because I’m not doing team competitions for various complicated reasons, so I’m objective. (Though wait to eat my dust on the solo events, bitches.) Of course, you have to understand that this is one of those situations when being competitive might just get in the way of the love of the sport—just like you might really enjoy running, but after a grueling training schedule, it gets easy to focus strictly on breaking the tape at the end of the race, and forget the joy of just putting one foot in front of the other. You get so driven towards victory that it trumps all else. Just a warning. And maybe some of you right now are thinking, “Yeah yeah. The love of the sport? That’s for silver medalists.” But let’s not see any integrity go out the window, okay?

Okay, we have two distinct categories for the team events. Oh, and we will presume in all this that nobody thinks seeing how many team members you can rack up should seriously qualify you for anything once you’ve left the frat house, because that’s just a function of having low standards or being disingenuous, and frankly, and it’s probably unwise in this day and age. So we are gonna assume at least somewhat established teams. And note that no one should be carried in this–your team is only as strong as your weakest member, so don’t think you can ace the serve and run all over the court while your partner just dicks around at the baseline and occasionally swings the racket lamely.

1. Endurance. This event doesn’t get ranked by judges, but is more about crossing the finishline. However, there’s a few ways to measure this, and I can see how the committee might have some quibbles here. Are we talking sheer length of time in a given, er, heat (visualize a marathon)? Number of instances of hitting the mark, um, as it were (perhaps think of jumping hurdles)? Or just the frequency of the event (decathlon)? And naturally all these are relay, not solo (we’ll get to that). Lots of guys want to get better at endurance, and lots of women look to close the gap on their mark time, and all these things get different based on the gender configuration of your team. My personal feeling is that the best yardstick (hee hee) is probably take a week’s worth of mark-hitting and use that as the determining criteria for endurance points, perhaps factoring in the other measures of frequency and duration in some very complicated matrix I’m bored with already.

It was just suggested to me that the formula should be: duration of event multiplied by number of O’s. (Also bonus points for synchronized O’s–the whole thing was compared to the double word score in Scrabble, which for the record, is NOT a sport. And it is also hard to write a post when there’s a points-formula-board game conversation going on next to you, FYI.)

2. Style. Some people events have a clear finish line, and some are more about execution, difficulty, and flair. Think gymnastics, diving, synchronized swimming, figure skating, etc. Can you execute what you do flawlessly? Do you try for some crazy tricks? Perhaps if you have little interest in competing in the first category of events, but with your acrobat antics and creativity, the judges would give you perfect tens.

And if you can compete in both, I’d like to be your agent for your porn career.

The solo events. Sometimes I’m not such a team player—particularly right now—and its nice to be able to just rely on yourself and know at the end of the day, you are responsible for your success or failure. So here’s a few events to train for.

1. Sprints. How long till you get there? Qualifying times are under two minutes, and lemme tell you, some of us just smoke the porn-assisted sprints. But remember, sprints are best for solo work, unless you entering the team hurdle division and just like getting out of the gate quickly.

2. Endurance. Similar criteria as the team sports, and I think we’ve established that the criteria there is a matter of considerable debate in the competitive circle I run in. I guess it’s the old matrix of frequency and hurdle-O’s, though I do think duration of each event probably matters less in the solo competitions. A series of sprints is probably worth more points than some epic day-long session, plus I think a whole day might feel a little sad after a while when you are alone playing the “Chariots of Fire” theme song to yourself. It would also be hard to maintain a regular life if you are going ultra-marathon, but I guess we could always chalk that up to the lonely life of the athlete.

3. I suppose we could award style points here, and maybe we should for originality and creative use of materials or something (obviously a sweat sock would just be cliche, guys) but I’ve always had a hard time with considering rhythmic gymnastics a real sport, and this has shades of that for me. (By the way, I did just watch one team take a real training blow, cough, when a debate over whether or not golf was a sport looked determined to get ugly. Keep your eyes on the prize people, and don’t sweat the small stuff or your Olympic dreams could be crushed!)

Good luck, and let the games begin. Feel free to weigh in on the debate over criteria as well. Just not over my shoulder while I’m mid-post.

This entry was posted on Monday, October 27th, 2008 at 10:29 pm and is filed under blah blah, exercise, fads and facts, healthy crap, love, new moves, records, relating, screwing. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.