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During my “work” time, I ho all over the internet looking for interesting things to write about, and then I bookmark them and promptly forget about them. Then every once in a while I dick around with my bookmarks and go, “oh hai, there’s that thing.” The thing of the day is this li’l piece on an ad campaign that will feature naked Olympic athletes. Check the photo of Rebecca Romero, a cyclist. Did you think what I thought? “Ooooooh, cycling….um, that’s a naked sport with some real pros and cons.” All I can say is, you’d better have a well-shaped gel seat, yo, and you might wanna give it cab fare afterwards.

The other athletes featured are a dude swimmer and a dude triple jumper. Now, I sort of doubt the triple jump is the kindest sport to perform naked, and certainly not one you’d want caught on film, with the what-what business flapping in the breeze. Swimming? Eh, sure. Naked swimming is nice, and hell, as Mary pointed out to me, Michael Phelps already wears a Speedo so low, he may as well let the business be free. I suggest he gets special thong made, perhaps one that would match his goggles, because that would be cute. Don’t think I’m bagging on him, either. You go on with your low-rider, Michael, because it’s helping you get gold medals and we’d be the last one to point a finger at exposing yerself, even though it looks sort of like you are seriously pointing something at us.

In this reverie I remembered hearing a story on NPR around the time of the last Olympics. The gist was that the early games were actually performed naked and oiled up, so that everyone could admire the physical specimens. Then the wealthier, nobler people could Olympian-shop and bring home an athlete for a little personal sport (tip: choose a marathoner, not a sprinter.) Either this made a big impression on me and stuck in my brain for four years, or I made it up because for some reason my brain went ancient Greece porno, but it certainly would change the flavor of the games, doncha think?

So in the spirit of this, I’d like to nominate my top five events with naked athletes, and also five I would not under any circumstances want to see. In fact, let’s start with the negative, because I generally like to lead in with complaining. Please feel free to add your own votes, and your rationale. Don’t be shy—it’s not like you have to compete. Unless you are an Olympian and happen to be reading this, which I could totally understand, because FF is more loaded with inspiration than a cyclist is with black market performance enhancers.

Trouble sports naked:

1. Hurdles/pole vaulting. Track and field is not exactly the arena for going au naturale, but especially when you have men leaping over things. Because if you cut that jump too close, the what-what could destroy dreams of gold, dreams that might pale next to the searing pain of whacking your business on a hurdle. Perhaps I am being ambitious about the reach of the what-what here, but hey, these are Olympians, yo.
2. Downhill skiing. Ruined primarily by the cold air telling Mr. Shorty to join his friends in the old body cavity. Also, I don’t really want to see any chapped lips (ahem) or other body parts neither.
3. Fencing. Hey, en garde! Watch out when they start whacking those foils around. Now, would they still wear the face masks? How bondage. But still, no.
4. Gymnastics. First of all, the girls are too young, ugh. And no, no, no for the floor routine. Second, the dudes have a pommel horse thing. So. Not. Interested.
5. Hockey. Combines the cold element with the stick element for a bad time all around. And yes, I’m dipping into winter games on my list, but who are you, the IOC? Harrumph.

Okay, best events.

1. The number one contender, hands down, bar none, is WOMEN’S VOLLEYBALL. I do not care if that’s too easy or cliched, you can yap that into my ear while I watch naked women’s volleyball and don’t hear one single word you say.
2. Diving. Could be graceful, beautiful, hawt. Is it art or porn? Neither, it’s the damn games, bro!
3. Archery and shooting. Don’t ask me why, but I just think it would be cool. Being skin side out, but holding a weapon? I have a feeling there’s a million websites devoted to exactly that in fact, but I don’t know from personal browsing, I’m just guessing, ahem.
4. Some running event. Yes, it’s probably unkind visually in some ways, but I could get behind it because those athletes have ah-may-zing physiques. However, I will eliminate the endurance races where they soil themselves, for really obvious reasons. I like the short-distance body better anyway for these purposes, no offense long runners. Not saying you aren’t hawt, just don’t wanna see you poo.
5. And I think the last one is obvious right? The only clear choice I’ve left off the list. Yes, I mean badminton.

Don’t ask me to explain. Honestly, once I listed volleyball I stopped caring any more, so the rest is just phoned in.

Please, share if you will.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 13th, 2008 at 10:49 pm and is filed under blah blah, body building, exercise, healthy crap, linkorama, news and research, racing, reviews, sports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.