If I’m gonna crucify myself, could somebody please nail me to this?
If I could choose two words to separate forever in a rancorous divorce with a restraining order and no visitation whatsoever, guess what I’d choose? “Bad” and “Eat”. As in, “I’ve been eating all this bad food” or worse, “I’m so bad for eating that.” (Please note an exception: that you could still use bad to describe a sub-par restaurant or something. I do live in Berkeley, where it is mandatory to be a foodie.)
I know I’ve written lots before about how we turn eating into a morality issue and all that, so much that it’s probably pointless to try and link you to any archives—just pick a past post at random. And we get taught to see our desire to eat things that have sugar or salt or monkey brains or whatever as some kind of weakness on our part, like just wanting is a sin. I fall into it too, and get uptight because say, hypothetically, I might be sort of stressed and grieving and therefore turning to the giant Costco bag of chocolate chips on a regular basis for snuggles. It is within the realm of possibility.
But here’s what I try and remind myself all the time. Food isn’t the enemy, and desire really isn’t, unless you are some kinds of Buddhist, and then you have a whole practice that I hope helps you and I wish you all the best because this bitch is just loaded with wanting and wanting and wanting. And my best days come when I’m not so entirely freaked out by that, because I didn’t abandon the religion of my youth (not Buddhism, BTW) just to keep on believing that my very thoughts and feelings could condemn me to hell. You know, wanting is cool, because it keeps you moving towards something. You don’t always have to act on it and often it’s better if you don’t, considering some of us want to do things like punch other drivers or hump the leg of certain female gladiators. But if I never wanted anything, I wouldn’t try anything, I’d never have goals or future plans or sex or exercise or, yes, cupcakes. And don’t get too philosophical with me here: I get the idea behind letting go of desire, but personally I’m not prescribing it to myself. Do whatever the frickin frack works for you.
On Sesame Street (ahem) they label foods something like “healthy food” and “fun food”. Not to steal pearls from educational children’s television or anything, but I certainly like that better than “bad food”, don’t you? The idea is that you fuel your body with healthy food and sometimes you also have fun food. So don’t be a fun-hater, yo. Cookie Monster will kick your ass.
If I sound righteous it’s because I’m talking to myself as much as anyone else. I get sick of the notion, especially for women, that a slice of cheese pizza is reason to burn yourself on some kind of emotional stake. Whole foods are my preference, with a minimum of chemicals and crap that might cause me to sprout a third limb. There’s food that has more nutrients and food that has lots of preservatives and food that is high in sugar and food that has been contaminated with salmonella and food that you are allergic to, but you know what? It’s something you put in your mouth and chew up and swallow and you’d better have at least a little of it regularly (except the disease-causing or allergic kind) or you might get awfully crabby and weak. And a lot of some foods will make some people gain fat, and a lot of any food could potentially do that I suppose, though if you binge on lettuce, you really need to get out more. And sometimes we eat because we are hungry and sometimes because it tastes good, and both of those are just normal human behaviors. And at the same time, having a piece of chocolate cake is an enjoyable experience if you happen to like that kind of thing, and I do. But (repeating again, I know) it’s also not a supreme act of rebellion, a sign that you are a transgressive wild child, and when we think it is, then something is off with all of us. And maybe sometimes we eat more than we wanted out of stress or to fill a hole inside us or because we were violated in some way but really, I’m not sure if knowing why is especially helpful unless it also helps you do something different. If you want to even change, and that just probably depends on how you feel about the consequences of eating that food.
You know what pisses me off about the love affair with the chocolate chips in my cupboard? I don’t even enjoy them, and it’s crap chocolate. I really need to get out and buy some killer quality desserts and sit down and savor them if I wanna get all hand-to-mouth right now. Doesn’t that sound better?
I’m saying all this because I am going to actually make some changes in a few weeks to my current eating behaviors, with the goal of getting into optimal fightin’ shape, though I never change to the point where the fun food disappears entirely forever. Sure, giving things up can be good sometimes. I’ve done it on the goddamn blog. I’m not against that, unless you are signing on to a lifetime of misery or something (which would be me giving up, say, sugar forever.) I like food and I like eating, and I can delay gratification for a while, but I never want it to go bye-bye for eternity unless I get some disease and can’t eat anything but astronaut food. God forbid.
I’ll let you know when I work out the details, but for now, I’m just saying again: If wanting to eat a particular food makes you bad, then I am 100 percent fucked to the fucked-bitch degree, because I’ve done waaay worse before 10 am most days than just yearning for a damn doughnut.
Just jumping back on that boat myself Miss K. Remember all those no-carb posts? I loosened up a little at Christmas and Holy Shit! It’s July. It’s amazing how quickly that happened. But unlike you, I need abstinence most of the time. It brings an awareness to my eating that I otherwise lack.
I was at my favorite NY-style pizzeria today talking to my favorite NY-style pizzeria guy and he said something very similar thing - he took off a month from the IC and wham! 6 monhts later he’s like “Where did the time go?” Out of practice and out oof awareness.
For good measure and to test the will-power I will need to stop going to Peets and keep my hand out of the potato chip bag when I am making my girl’s lunch, I ran errands for a couple of hours with this pizza I didn’t even buy for me in my car. Everytime I got back in the car, was reminded of how mindlessly I’ve been eating and how much attention I need to give it.
Because I do believe in good and bad foods for me - because most “fun” foods make me feel really shitty. Not guilty shitty but bloated, nauseous, hung-over like I was drinking all night shitty . They fuck with my body chemistry, making my hormoes go all haywire. So, tell me why I would eat these fun things that are really bad for me? Because I am not paying attention.
Oh, I just go on and on. Can you tell I am avoiding making lunches? I can hear the potato chips calling me…
Ettamommy
July 10th, 2008
Sometimes you just need a chocolate brownie the size of your friggin’ head!!!!
Glad to see you back on here…have missed your daily words of wisdom!! You are awesome!
Angel
July 11th, 2008
I too really hate the marriage of “bad” and “food,” and I totally support the divorce proceedings. I’m going to tell “food” that “bad” was cheating on her with a Hostess cupcake. Whatever it takes to get the separation underway. (P.S. Hostess cupcakes do not practice satanic rituals in the forest and are not “bad.”)
Hilary
July 11th, 2008
love it- although I couldn’t tell my son about “fun” food- why wouldn’t you want fun food all.the.time. So I do “fuel food or healthy” and “treats or sometimes food”.
My daughter, bless her heart, wants food to help her do more than 5 full pull ups at a time. Her pull ups count as mine, right?
I’m with you on the eating and I have to say, the heat has helped remind me that I’m not always hungry when I eat.
Kelly- go get good chocolate- it’s worth it, bettert than the chips that sit there.
surf mom
July 11th, 2008
My latest food philosopy is I’m 41 years old and I’m going to eat whatever the hell I want.
Somehow being 41 makes all the difference.
leslielou
July 11th, 2008
Cupcakes!!!!!!!
Kelley H.
July 11th, 2008
We call food, well…food in our house. And our distinction is between food and “trash food” although we say it in Swedish “scrap mat”. The explanation to the kids is that trash food may be yummy but it doesn’t give anything to your body to help it grow, be strong, or have energy. So you can have it for a treat, sometimes, but not all the time. Now, we just have to get clear on how often “sometimes” is. Is eating a cookie with my coffee every other cup, four times a day, “sometimes” or is that closer to “all the time”? This philosophy stuff gets hard…
All I know is that the day I have to give up dessert forever (as opposed to moderate consumption) is the day I go jump off a bridge.
But, I do hate when I stuff into my face a horrible crap dessert, because it is there, rather than saving my calorie intake for something truly delicious. That is why, the chocolate in my cupboard (for baking only for the kids, of course) is Sharffen Berger….
Lan-Ling
July 11th, 2008
Amen, Shari. It’s the mindless part that’s the problem, and when I’m eating mindfully and not mindlessly, I truly enjoy it all and feel great, whatever it is. (BTW, I just broke my run of veganism in Hawaii where my friend’s Hawaiian hunter boyfriend served me up some venison filet mignon. Ok, probably sounds horrid to you, but I enjoyed every moment of every bite - a perfect example of mindful eating. And now, I’m right back to not wanting any meat. Even more so, actually.)
All that’s to say that Kelly, go get yourself some good chocolate! (Dagoba’s pretty darn nice, organic and fair trade and all that, and has that whole variety of flavors…) Eat as much as you want and enjoy every bite.
With my kids, I’ve ended up saying “real food” and “treats”. I hadn’t really thought about it much, it’s just what’s come out of my mouth in the moment. At their old school, foods were green, yellow, and red light foods. Green you can eat all the time, yellow is sometimes (the treats) and red was, hmmm…I wonder what they had on the red list for the kiddos?
Joanna
July 11th, 2008
being 41 and pms’ed means i can eat whatever i want…for sure.
juliet
July 11th, 2008
I’m so out of the loop with Sesame Street but I love the categorization “healthy food” and “fun food.” I wish I enjoyed eating the healthy stuff more. Being a lifelong super picky eater makes it even tougher. I recently did a post on me own little bloggy about how I could literally, I swear, live on ice cream. It would honestly not bother me to never eat another food again except ice cream. I’ve got some issues. But I’m at the point in my life, like you and many others commenting here, where I don’t let the food/fat/body image issues control my life. I just try to be more mindful, inject more healthful stuff where I can, and exercise loads.
Belinda
July 11th, 2008
This morning I ate a cinnamon roll that was the size of my head and covered in frosting. It was one from of the middle of the pan and it was soft and gooey throughout. It was delicious and it totally made my morning. Do I feel bad about it – not a fucking chance. Do I do it every day – no. Do I crave one every day – no.
I think I have a pretty good relationship with food – I spend more time thinking about what I haven’t eaten (like did I get enough vegetables/protein/carbs today?) rather than judging what I have eaten (like oh I ate too many cupcakes/cookies/cinnamon rolls). When I make sure I eat from every food group there just isn’t that much room (or craving) left for 17 cuper-cakes. I also love the food pyramid – cheese isn’t bad – it’s dairy.
Tracy
July 11th, 2008
I’m trying take the morality out of the choice myself… it becomes “food conducive to my goals” and “food detrimental to my goals” (obviously I don’t have kids). I just decided this morning that I would change the way I do a food journal, as the “normal” way of food item-calories-otherdamnexcessiveinfo just doesn’t work for me. I’m going to make to columns per day and just enter food names under conducive and detrimental.
Amy
July 11th, 2008
1. kelly h. where have you been? missed you!
2. Lan-Ling-last sentence-so funny!
surf mom
July 11th, 2008
If you have not seen the movie Dodgeball, I suggest you give it a try. There are a couple of priceless scenes about “food=bad”.
Alice
July 12th, 2008
This is a great reminder - I slip into this wayyyy too often (that and doing “calorie math” while I’m eating, guaranteed to suck the joy out of it but not to stop me from finishing the food). In thinking about it, I only know 2 women who do not refer to food (or themselves) as “bad” - they eat healthy mostly and indulge sometimes, thoroughly enjoying it while I’m calculating just how many miles I’d have to run to burn off whatever. Spending time with them makes me feel both less and more insane (want to be like them, why am I not like them, spiral downward at your own speed). It does make me realize how much (generally female) time and energy is wasted on this type of thinking/behavior vs. doing stuff or just living a pleasant life. LOVED your comment about what you do before 10am - is there a list of the bad things you do that exceed doughnuts?
MJ
July 13th, 2008
Kelly, I just found your blog and having been reading it for about an hour or so (comments to because I have no life right now) and I just wanted to give my two cents.
Penny#1: You sound like an amazing person and from all the personal comments on your blog I would tend to think that is an accurate assumption to make about you. It is refreshing to know that there are personal trainers out there who actually care about their clients as my own experience with them has not been such. I am sorry to see that for whatever reason you have quit your job and I am sure that your former clients will miss you dearly. I just wish you were closer to my neck of the woods because I would love to hire you to help me with my personal fitness.
Penny#2:I love 80’s music, much to my boyfriends annoyance, I have loved the video’s at the end of your blog’s. Thank You.
Penny#3: (Ok I thought of one more) I have had food issues all my life and have never developed a good relationship with it. Food has always been a coping mechanism for me. This year I am just working on trying to find the emotions behind my eating instead of trying to regulate the food itself, i.e. feeling angry, don’t grab potato chips from cupboard, blog instead… feeling lonely, no brownie’s, go for a run… crying, no cheesecake and ice cream, call a friend… That sort of thing. It seems to be working as I just skipped lunch to write a blog and read yours…
wait I think that’s wrong… lol…
Take care,
Jenn
Jenn
July 13th, 2008
I love all the food thoughts. Do women in other cultures think about food as much as we do? I have taken a somewhat snobby approach to food…not in a “foody” sense but more as an elitist snob. Is a certain cake, cookie, ice cream worthy of entering my digestive system? It is only worthy if it tastes really good. On another note, my son was sent home with a sheet of information from a dentist visiting his preschool. The top snacks recommended by dentists that do not promote tooth decay are:
1) sugarless gum (with xylitol!)
2) pickles
3) popcorn
“Mom! I’m hungry!”
“Have a piece of gum and wait until dinner!”
“I just swallowed my gum.”
“Have a pickle.”
There are so many ways to look at food…
Erin
July 13th, 2008
Dsdof jds kdf askdfk, soigdf nnwwl dimnnd.
Oops, sorry. My fingertips are all greasy and keep slipping off the keys. Why are they greasy? From the bag of Kettle Korn I am devouring, er, sampling, as I am reading this very timely blog. The bag started off as a three foot “family” size bag, but I’ve been diligently working on it since about 11 AM this morning and now it resembles one of those teeny tiny four ounce bags of popcorn that they give out as samples. Urp.
So, this post rang true for me (thank you, Kelly), as did all the kernels (ha ha) of wisdom in the comments section.
We miss the heck out of you, Kelly.
Rachel Q
July 14th, 2008
yeah, that 41 stuff works . . . until you’re 45 (trust me). I’m not gonna lie. I hate my hate-affair with food. Pass the freakin’ cupcake.
Tsan
July 14th, 2008
We call non-healthy food ‘garbage’ in our house. It’s really great when my 4-year-old sees a family eating soda and chips and asks loudly “Why do they get to eat garbage and I don’t?” I wish I would follow my cousin, who has divided food into “sometime” food and “anytime” food. “Anytime” food is fruit, veggies, yogurt, cheese sticks, bread (for kids, yes!) etc. “Sometime” food is candy, cookies, etc. - that you only eat ’sometimes’.
Julie B
July 15th, 2008
I like that - sometime and anytime food.
we call it “food that makes you strong” and junkie food. But the other way is much less judgemental. Thanks Julie!
Ettamommy
July 15th, 2008