Don’t even ask about the porno carrots
A’right, so yesterday was the stick, and today is the carrot. If that sounds cryptic, I’m just talking about health and fitness and weight loss philosophies that seem to be gaining traction of late. The stick, if you recall, was having a gym function on humiliation and creating a hierarchy among clients as fuel for intense workouts. But now we’re going to go with the sweet talk. The “you go, girl” sweet talk. For example, “you are a hot chick!”
Yeah, my prime example today is the book, How To Eat Like a Hot Chick. I’ll tell you right off the bat that I have not read the book, so I’m not really commenting substantively on it, though if this excerpt is any indication of the overall content, I’d advise a few less exclamation points and strike about 490 uses of the phrase, “hot chick”. Other phrases do exist, like “far-out bird” and “rockin’ hoochie”. And yes, I am mocking.
I saw the clip of the authors on the Today Show from Jezebel, and it was pretty barfy, but in fairness putting people on the Today Show is like putting them in a stupid machine. Kofi Annon would sound like a giggling ass on that show because the anchors have exceptional stupid-making powers. But these ladies did not seem very Kofi to me. I hope to god the one who said eating cheese was like a fun night club was joking, because otherwise I have my own fun club, and I like to use it on idiotic lifestyle book authors and baby seals. And let’s just remember back to my favorite thing from this post: Eating dessert is not decadent or wild. It’s just fucking dessert. It does not make you a live-on-the-edge kind of person with a devil-may-care attitude and a what-fucking-ever alluring naughty streak. It’s dessert, not a jewel heist.
If some reports are true, and these ladies are saying you should make up for your cake consumption by eating a pound of spinach for a meal, then yeeesh. Gross. But if others are more accurate, they are in fact just advocating making informed food choices, give and take. Let’s go with that one, for the sake of argument.
Since I believe something like that myself, why would I have any problem with this? Well, I’m irked on a few fronts. As a side point, I will say, why is it that these “you are so hot, just believe in yourself” books are always pimped by authors who are pretty much considered conventionally attractive? Does Ms. Cleavage have to work so hard to believe in herself? But more annoying is the fact that there’s been a whole slew of this kind of “you are sexy, just believe it and love yourself!” books and articles and websites and shit like that. Moms even got caught in it, with all this “I’m a MILF” shit (which also makes no real sense when you think about what the acronym means, argh.) Now, sexy is supposedly a state of mind from which the new you will flow. However, don’t ever lose sight of the fact that when we mean sexy, what we are saying is attractive to men, because according to this shit that’s what sexy actually means, natch. Not that they’d ever outright say that, but there’s all kinds of dating crap and talk of men and so on in this stuff.
Anyhow, the carrot starts from the same point as the stick—you feel shitty about yourself—but finds the solution in luuuuving yourself and believing in yourself and then it’ll be easier to order that cake and only have two teensy bites because you luuuuuve your hot self that much.
Sigh. Okay, now I never ever promise to have any answers to anything ever. That is why I am not pimping my book, How To Eat Massive Amounts of Cake and Not Pass Out. I know how I do it, but my methods might not work for you. And if you benefit from humiliation workouts, or if believing you are a hot chick helps you in some meaningful way, then go on with your whatever self.
Now, here’s how I roll. Ignore or not, your choice.
1) Despite all my bitching and whining, if I hated exercise, I wouldn’t do it. I mean that. Sometimes it’s hard, and sometimes I start off not wanting to do it but that changes midway, and sometimes I like it and sometimes I love love love it. I try and keep my food in a similar way, meaning I don’t eat shit I hate and I always make room for some amount of the things I love, even vast amounts at times. I don’t operate well with the big bad forbidden. Generally I choose to work out like a mother fucker, and it supports my food habit some. I get itchy from piety and deprivation.
2) You know, “self-esteem comes from esteemable acts”? True for me. Not like curing cancer, I just mean crap like exercise and saying what I think and pushing my limits and being consistent and if something makes me feel bad about myself, I try and change something in there or learn to live with it. For me, it is easier to do things that ultimately make me happy than to convince myself I’m so wonderful and let the changes flow from that. You know that whole, “I deserve these cupcakes/new jeans/relationships/whatever” blah blah blah. Fuck deserving. Who cares? Deserving depends on where you sit and justice is rare. So I do what makes me happy or what makes me feel good whenever I can. And if I do that I don’t really worry so much about whether or not I’m a fucking hot chick. We all feel on top sometimes and like shit sometimes. I mean, for chrissakes, fuck me.
3) This might seem less fitness-y, but while we are worrying about self esteem, I aim for this: Me=Love it or leave it. Some will choose the former, and some the latter. That’s kind of my most favorite perspective, I snuggle it as often as I can and it means I’m less likely to want to be degraded by some trainer or spend hours agonizing over my hot chick-ness. And it means I’ll find the good people for me, and the others will inch away quickly saying they have an appointment to get to immediately, but let’s get together, uh, call me (please don’t). I’ve also found the people who stick around happen to be the ones I end up loving so extra much.
4) Finally, what works now may or may not work later. That’s why I try new stuff when I feel brave or get egged into it or just happen upon it and don’t want to back out. Some of that new stuff will work, then later it might become old stuff and tired stuff and then I need newer new stuff. I don’t need to find the perfect forever, in fitness, food, or anything. Why, tomorrow I might decide that all these things are bullshit and I really need to go up on a mountain and meditate and come down with a fresh batch of Kool-Aid for everyone. You never know.
Yeah, there’s nothing really new here, it’s my typical shtick. But hey, retyping it keeps the fingers limber.
I think the funniest part about that excerpt was when they used ‘booby’ as an adjective:
“it’s not how skinny or buff or booby you are that makes you hot”
Haha. They wrote a book with that kind of grammar… that’s funny.
Sarah
January 10th, 2008
I’m sorry Kelly. I can’t get over the poro carrots. I think I am going to have nightmares.
:b
Val
January 10th, 2008
Kelly, only you could make vegetables indecent.
Ettamommy
January 10th, 2008