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When I walked into the gym today, there was an envelope from Erin, aka R-2, waiting for me. (Erin has the best bone-dry sense of humor.) I am now eternally grateful to her. On the outside the envelope said, “Perhaps you could rep this product?” and inside was a picture of my new favorite thing in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD.

The iGallop. Love. It. No, I really, really love it.

The iGallop is supposed to help you build core strength, as well as tone your inner thighs, booty, and back, and satisfy all your needs in one bucking, hot piece of exercise equipment. I really need you to follow this link and just watch a few minutes of this video. Do it. Ignore that surf board-looking thing and focus on the muscle-building, stability-enhancing gyrations of the iGallop.

I know.

Does it actually get any better than that? I guess the ‘i’ is for “i want one right NOW.” Or internet or some such shit.

The bizarre fuck/get-yerself-off machine iGallop product info says, “Looking good and feeling great just got a whole lot easier.” Feeling great? Don’t undersell it, guys. How about, “feeling completely satisfied and utterly euphoric”? Or “so effective, you’ll be screaming with happiness”? Or “you’ll love your iGallop so much you’ll cuddle it after you work out”?

Now go here, scroll down, and then find the “more information” box. Scroll down on that and check out the many hotspots the iGallop can hit with its sweat producing, mustang powers. You need this piece of exercise equipment between you legs, don’t you?

This is awesome too: “Exercising your abdominal muscles usually means hard, boring work. iGallop™ abs exercise equipment makes shaping and toning fun—and automatic—by moving your body in multiple directions. Ordinary exercise equipment for abs and thighs can be tedious and ineffective. iGallop™ gives a great core body workout and is fun to ride!” Oh please move my body in multiple directions! Take the tedium out of my ab and thigh work! C’mon, iGallop, I know you can do it! You are such a fun ride! Work my core!

I heard Catherine the Great said the same thing, and though few people know this, the “great” part of her title comes from her really great core strength. I mean, six-pack for daaaays.

I can already imagine the testimonials from other customers: “I gave my wife the iGallop for her birthday, because she needed to get in shape. We’d bought other exercise equipment before and it always sat in a corner, collecting dust. Not the iGallop though. All of the sudden she was motivated to work out for two, three, even four hours a day. In fact, she moved the iGallop into the basement and now she spends most of her time there. I mentioned that she’s been exercising a ton, and she said, ‘Well, I need the core strength.’ You know, I guess if it makes her happy.”

Okay, this puppy is marked down to $299. If the iGallop folks send me one I swear I’ll go door to door, singing and screaming the praises of the iGallop. If you people take up a collection and get me one, I’ll wear a cowboy hat when I exercise on it. C’mon, it’d be pocket change, and how can you put a price on love?

Hey, maybe we need one for the gym… Oh god, just saddle that baby up…

This entry was posted on Monday, December 3rd, 2007 at 10:30 pm and is filed under blah blah, good gear, holidays, hoo hoo, love, new moves, one for the ladies, screwing. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.