FitnessFixation.com

Got this nice site that covers the airbrushing scandals of the past year. Our hands-down favorite is still the giant Andy Roddick arms. I doubt he could brush his hair with guns that massive, and it also looks like they gave him a boob job, but hey, that’s Men’s Fitness for you. The site was put together by Magali Amadei and Claire Mysko. Magali, you might remember, was the first top model to really campaign against eating disorders after she whupped her own bulimia. So we like that.

Now on to orgasms and such.

In the past I’ve mocked Men’s Health a little bit for having silly advice for bagging the ladies. I mean, how many sports analogies do you need? But while I was trolling for stuff to write about, I came across the article, “Make Her Seduce You” which they tagged as “guarantee her an orgasm.” I like a guarantee, so I read on. Now one cautionary note: there’s not much in here to make her seduce you. In fact, it’s much more “you are raunchy and kickass and she is shy and withdrawn” than anything else. Not so relatable. But then I read the first bit, “PROBLEM: She initiates sex about as often as Libya initiates peace.”

Okay, so what are red-blooded lay-wanters supposed to do about that?

“SOLUTION: Buy her new shoes.”

Fuck. Yeah.

So if this isn’t a problem, do you stop initiating sex in the hopes you get some shoes? And would that make you a shoe whore?

Less fond of this:
“PROBLEM: She won’t experiment.
For many women, it boils down to this: She thinks that if she tries fancy techniques, you’ll think she’s a slut.”

What if he knows you’re a slut? Um, is this really the problem? Seriously, I’m having a hard time even understanding this one. I just don’t get how being creative implies sluttiness. I think that’s something some girl made up because she didn’t want to hang on the trapeeze and it became lore or something. I mean, please correct me if I’m wrong here, cuz it’s a stumper. Crap, Men’s Health has just succeeded in making me feel like I’m not even female.

Gets worse though. “SOLUTION: Give her a squeaky-clean source of dirty ideas (and cheesecake recipes).

Buy her a subscription to Redbook — surprisingly, by our count, an average issue has more information about sex technique than other women’s magazines. Do whatever you want to get it in your house: Tell her you found it on the train, or in the men’s-room stall. It won’t be long before she’s searching for ‘35 New Places to Touch a Man.’”

Number one: No intelligent person would believe you found Redbook in a men’s room stall. Victoria’s Secret catalog, sure. But Redbook? Not unless a surprising number of men find casseroles kinky as hell.

Also: Noooooooooo. Do not buy her Redbook. Good god. Do I need to get sex tips from women in little cardigans and pearls with insanely bleached teeth? And would I? Oh wait, but I’m a slut.

I say, Solution: Buy her shoes. More frickin’ shoes, and make it snappy. Or boots, cuz winter’s coming. Slut.

This entry was posted on Monday, August 27th, 2007 at 10:45 pm and is filed under blah blah, linkorama, one for the ladies, other mags, screwing. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.