I think there’s this nice little circle: we teach (the children well) and they take what we’ve taught and teach us stuff in return. Feel free to quote that exactly on your line of inspirational bumper stickers. But if you actually want the message delivered in a literate and interesting way, read on for a dispatch from FF main squeeze Shari, mom to Etta, a real firecracker. Well, they both are, really. Firecrackers, that is. In fact, we should call this one “Big Bang Theory.” Or
Fight For the Top
“I spent most of my adult life, trying to get in shape, stay in shape, look better and feel better. O.k., maybe not most of it, but the parts that I can actually remember. My goal was always to “get skinny.” Of course, I don’t really have a skinny body type; curvy, yes. But the waifish body type I always admired was unattainable.
Once I had a little girl, I became acutely aware of the messages I received growing up. My mom was always going on a diet, talking about how fat she was, criticizing her appearance (for the record, my mom is beautiful. But not the kind of beach-blonde babe that is packaged and sold as the ideal). I didn’t want my kid to grow up thinking self-loathing was de rigueur. So, in my house, we focus on the positive. We exercise because we want our bodies to be strong and our minds to be happy. We eat well because we want healthy fuel for our bodies and brains. And we set goals and work towards them because achieving them is the ultimate reward.
The goal-setting part is what I focus on the most. About a year ago, my girl was going through that charming stage where she was still developing her motor skills but wanted to be able to do what her older friends could do. She would positively freak out if she couldn’t automatically do something new. I spent an enormous amount of energy explaining that everything you do in life requires that you first learn it, even the most basic things. The only ways to master something is to PRACTICE and refuse to give up. And that’s the other thing. My default mode was to quit when it got too difficult. I didn’t want to leave that as my legacy. So, we don’t just pay lip service to how important it is to work hard, we use as many everyday examples as we can.
Sounds pretty heavy for a 4 year old, doesn’t it? In my many moments of self-doubt, I question this focus too. I mean, what mom doesn’t think her influence is going to totally screw up her kid? So imagine my delight when I overheard this conversation between my daughter and her best friend (who is also 4) about riding their new bikes:
My kid: “How is your new bike?”
Her friend: “It doesn’t work. The pedals don’t move for me.”
My kid: “Well you have to practice.”
Her friend: “I tried to ride it on my birthday.”
My kid: “You have to try more than once. I couldn’t pedal when I got my bike but I practiced and now I can even ride down hills all by myself.”
I was so proud! Not because I did a good job parenting her (please, she’s 4, check back when she’s an adult and in therapy). But because she knows the reward of riding her bike is a result of her hard work and determination.
Now for the icing. Last night, before I dropped off to sleep, my husband told me about our girl’s latest bike ride into town. The return trip is all uphill. At the beginning of the hill, said child will always exclaim, “I’m too tired to ride up the hill. Will you push me?” This last trip was no different. But my husband said, “Oh, come one, give it a shot first.” You know what my girl did? She started pedaling. And then, chanting “FIGHT FOR THE TOP!” the entire way, she rode up that hill all by herself.
Fight for the top, indeed. Words to live by.”
Wow, what an inspiring post! I have a particularly complex relationship with my mother (one of the constant dieter types, and very negative overall) so I’m glad to hear you have broken the cycle in such a positive way.
Maggie
August 8th, 2007
yeah Etta, yeah Shari. But Shari I have to disagree with you on one thing sweet friend(liked how I got that in?)-I think you do have a slim body type….a beautiful slim body type that gets ripped. Curvy is a D cup ….but check back with me in 20 more pounds! maybe slim and curvy can go hand in hand! what do I know..
renee
August 8th, 2007
You’ve taught your daughter one of the most important lessons in life…keep trying. BTW, you don’t look curvy to me, you look slim and strong. At five foot five, 140 lbs, and with the aforementioned D cup, I consider myself the expert on curvy!! But I am a strong curvy, too.
Clare
August 8th, 2007
Tears to my eyes, smile on my face. You inspire me beyond words and I attribute my own recent goal achievment to watching you pursue yours. I never really thought about the impact on my children in quite this way but will everytime I get up at 5:30 to head to my workout or teach a class.
Laura
August 8th, 2007
Shari, Etta’s learning from the best! I’ve always been amazed at how the two of you interact so well.
I am too selfish right now to even think about having kids of my own…BUT, it doesn’t mean I’m not listening to all the parenting advice being tossed around at the IC. I’ve been secretly storing it for future reference and you are an inspiration indeed (I hope I will still know you when I have a kid…my fear is my kid would wind up in therapy at the ripe old age of ten thanks to my parenting).
Mani
August 8th, 2007
Great story, Shari. Moments like that are awesome and it’s cool that we get to feel one vicariously through you. And we did feel it.
I want raise the issue of how much dads can influence girls too. I absolutely attribute to my father both my athleticism and the fact that I don’t feel limited as a female. From a young age, he took me out and taught me how to do “boy things” but never referred to them that way or even acknowledged that there was anything out of the ordinary to our activities. He taught me how to throw a baseball - well, I might add - and of course hit one too; he taught me how to fight, rolling my fist up tight, releasing the elbow; he even taught me how to shoot a rifle (and this was in Berkeley!). Because of my dad, I believe, I didn’t feel or seem to notice the rampant sexism in our society until I was in college and for the first time had to face some asshole who told me that women don’t know how to drive. In the end, my dad’s influence managed to outweigh any negative shit I might have picked up from my mom (though there wasn’t all that much).
Lastly, Shari, I must echo the others here - you are not curvy, my dear. You totally DO have the lean, straight body type! Even when I first met you before the drastic changes, you had extra weight, but a generally straight line!
Joanna
August 8th, 2007
O.k., I have to tell you I am 5′ 5 1/2″, 130 pounds, and yes, a D cup. I guess there really are no more secrets.
Shari
August 8th, 2007
For the record, I didn’t mean curvy in a pejorative way. I mean curvy in I have breasts, thighs and a booty. Being a C cup in middle school started my longing to be built like a boy.
Shari
August 8th, 2007
great story Shari.
I have TWO girls (8 & 6) and complete oppsosites of each other. Which works in one way because they don’t compete with each other, one is a sporty, brainy, into rock bands type, the other is a princess, dancing, pink frills type. It sucks because each interests seems to be in different ends of town on the same days, same times. As long as they are filling their creative interests and have an outlet, I am happy to shuffle them around.
Here’s something I struggle with, it is tough line at home, having to worry about my own eating habits but not to vocalize it. I don’t want to be the mom constantly dieting, nit picking every thing we have at home. I just let them know I have choices. some can be healthy, some are not so healthy. I want to stick to healthy. But trust me, I have such inner conflicts how my own desire to be fit will land them in therapy when they are my age. I hope I am modeling great behavior, but who knows until they grow up and become young women.
PS> My husband does a great job of making sure they stay balanced, too. Like Joanna’s dad, my girls go out hunting & fishing with him (even bait their own hooks), throw or kick balls in the yard nightly, play golf at the crack of dawn with him, and now he’s teaching them his wicked bluffing tricks of texas hold’em. Maybe they will be the next OLN (outdoor life network)/Travel channel hosts, how to fish, hunt, & play cards while wearing a tutu and soccer cleats!
Kerri
August 8th, 2007
What a great story! You must be really proud of your daugher. I would love to hear either of my two boys say any of that. Go Shari! (And I agree with the other comments–I have always thought of you as a thin waifish type…Cup D notwithstanding!)
Lan-Ling
August 8th, 2007
and, btw, are you in that hippie pic?
Kerri
August 8th, 2007
Shari–you are an incredible young woman! I am so thrilled that you have pretty much escaped the self-loathing trap that so many women fall into. And best of all you are passing your your knowledge onto my darling Etta–maybe her teen years will have less angst then the average teen. I hate that I had passed on my lack of liking myself onto my daughter but I’m so proud of how smart she is not only to want to change her perception of herself but also not to perpetuate that behavior for her daughter to absorb.
I love you babe!!!
Mom
August 8th, 2007
wow-so many great posts! Sorry I forgot to even mention your great parenting talks! That was the point right? See I got stuck on the “slim” curvy part. Sorry about the d cup thing- your in the club baby! for me, a post kid thing.
Right now, I dealing with kids issues such as my son (7) realizing his sister (5) can do some things better than him, is brave and now likes different sports than him. She won’t go surfing (like he does), but she loves kayaking and sailing! Then he asked what will she look like when she grows up, will she have…um mom….breasts, how does she get them will they be big or small……dear lord…help me! But I love the questions and our goal is to raise a great boy who knows girls rock what ever size we are!
renee
August 8th, 2007
I find the whole discussion of my body-type fascinating. The fact that my physique really had nothing to do with the post not-withstanding, just the insight the discussion gave me about self-perception and social perception is amazing. I will have to blog about this next…
Shari
August 8th, 2007
You and Etta are two of my favorite peeps. How lucky she is to have you as a role model.
Tracy
August 9th, 2007