Yup, here it is. The shameful conclusion to my dare. You get your fucking leotard. Happy, now that I’ve discarded the last shred of dignity?
For those who are just joining us after doing a search for “humiliation” and “naughty aerobics instructor,” I’m reduced to this because I made a dare I could give up dessert for 6 days a week. Then the ethics committee started investigating, and it was looking shaky for our heroine. Then the very next day I was felled by ice cream hand-churned by a six-year-old I’m partial to. That was totally a sting operation if there ever was one.
Anyhow, I want you to know a few things about my integrity, baby:
-Leotards, I’ve discovered, are quite possibly the most unflattering garments ever invented. I tried on more than one, and now I know bathing suits have nothing on these puppies. I guess dancers have zero body fat and are completely into punishing themselves. It’s like a hair shirt, but spandex.
-Of course I tried on a black one that looked about a bajillion times better and camouflaged most of the egregious flaws. But did I pussy out with that? Hell to the no. It’s not fair unless there’s shame and a lighter colored fabric. So light you can see everything, including the seam of my tights, which looks like a parasitic worm moving from my hoo hoo to my stomach in a few of the shots. You’re welcome.
-I have not photoshopped a pixel, though I imagine that’s obvious.
Pause for a shame interlude.
That is the look of pain.
Okay, so a few more:
-I got shimmery tights and legwarmers as instructed. Unfortunately the tights don’t shimmer so much when stretched on legs regularly used for lunging and squatting (in exercise, ahem) so too bad. Also, legwarmers + big calves = not so much.
-The capper? I was motherfucking PMSed in these photos. The ladies who read FF know exactly what that means, and maybe are feeling a little sympathy right now. For menfolk out of the loop, that means: bloated. Distorted body image. Angry. Weepy. BLOATED. Not in a leotard state of mind.
Oh, but you clamored for the Jane Fonda/Olivia Newton John. I do not disappoint. Here you go:
Yeah, eat it up.
Finally, I have to say that the dare did work for a while, and while I said I’d restart with a thong leotard as consequence/stick, I’m bored with that. Leotard has been faced, and so really, I need something different. Plus I’ve already written incessantly about this, and I need new themes. So seriously, any thoughts on a better payback if I fail? I’ll give you one more. Here:
Revel, people. Revel. Roll in my public display and get the thick scent of failure on you. It’ll wash out, I promise. Heh heh.
Anyhow, that’s it. I’ve fed your hunger, you beasts, and I hope you are happy.
“Ah Ah Ah Ah . . . Stayin’ Alive. Stayin’ Alive!”
G’on girl, with your bad self. I can’t hate’cha! But a bet’s a bet. Now, please help me lose that 10 pounds so I’m not next!
Tsan
July 17th, 2007
“Ah Ah Ah Ah . . . Stayin’ Alive. Stayin’ Alive!”
G’on girl! Clearly that’s how you roll! We’re laughing, all the while wishing we looked so good in a leotard.
Tsan
July 17th, 2007
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
(The leotard’s great, but the poses, expressions, and leg warmers truly put this over the top as one of my favorite all time blog posts).
Crabby McSlacker
July 18th, 2007
I don’t see any eye shadow! Did I miss the class in which you taught in the outfit?
Kelly, i love you even more now-oh woman with high integrity and great sense of humor!
renee
July 18th, 2007
I love it!!!! Where is the head band? Hey, weren’t you supposed to teach class with it on? If you do let me know I will be there.
Turbo
July 18th, 2007
wowwie wow wow….you should have just gone down the street and joined in a jazzercise class on jacuzzi street, kelly. you would have fit right in!! Although you look ten times better than those ladies who dance to the beat!
Kerri
July 18th, 2007
Kelly, I hate to admit it but I think you look damn hot in your icky gray leotard!
Kelley H.
July 18th, 2007
I think I just got an erection.
girlscientist
July 18th, 2007
Well hell’s bells, Kells. Trying to make yourself look bad by wearing a leotard just ain’t working. You still look AMAZING. A little dorkly perhaps, bitch-on-wheels-PMS-resentful, definitely, and the yellow puppy weights are hysterical. But please, your body still totally rocks. Thanks for sharing!
therese
July 18th, 2007
Okay, I got it. The ultimate shame for losing dare #2. Ready? Picture this–you gotta wear a thong leotard, in bright sunlight, no tights, photographed from behind, while squeezing ass cheeks as hard as you can. Am I a pervy sadist or what!?! This was just so evil I had to share.
therese
July 18th, 2007
Wow Therese, that is dark. Hey, what about saran wrap and florescent lighting? I bet that’s almost as bad. Whoa, what am I saying? Dude, that could be someone else’s dare.
kelly
July 18th, 2007
I’m not sure it counts as dare-payback-humiliation when your six pack shows though the leotard.
girlscientist
July 18th, 2007
Personally I think Saran wrap can hide a multitude of sins,you just pull it a little tighter and everything gets reallllly smooth. I guessed you’d look like a tightly-cased sausage though. Could be kinda hot. You could send the photo to Gabby Reece
therese
July 18th, 2007
It’s pretty obvious that it will take a lot more than this to keep you away from sugar… you’re having waaaayyy too much fun there.
mg
July 18th, 2007
kelly, you are F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S! Dahling…thanks for the doses of great humor and writing, as i’ve become a huge fan of yours…hey, maybe, just maybe, we can find you the classic pink and white striped one and a shimmery-a-la- Olivia NJ headband, which of course would mean you have become an 80’s suburban stripmall aerobics instructor…naw! we luv you just like ya are. ciao….
paty
July 18th, 2007
I am seriously going to whoop your ass. I have been off the sugar for more than 6 weeks and I would CRY tears of pure joy to have that skinny ass little bloated body in a leotard to complain about.Now comb your hair and shut up.
(I kid because I love. Seriously. I love. Deeply).
Jessica Ashley/Grrrlfriend Jess
July 19th, 2007
Um, hello, you look awesome! Next can you do the thing from Flashdance?
Karen
July 19th, 2007
you sexy thang, i can see your six pack through your leotard!
juliet
July 20th, 2007
Kelly, you are the only woman I know who can wear a leotard and still look like a bad ass. Jane Fonda cowers when she sees your photos because she knows what a poseur she is!
Shari Washburn
July 21st, 2007
Well, as the culprit who orchestrated the cooking project that resulted in the hand churned ice cream made by my beloved granddaughter, I guess I owe you an apology. But boy do you look great in the leotard!
Your Mom
July 22nd, 2007
AMAZING!!!! Love the leg warmers!!!
Check that out your MOM actually publicly apologized to you. Sweet (probably not as sweet as the ice cream!)
FitSugar
July 23rd, 2007
You are such a bad ass even in a leotard!
kevin
July 24th, 2007
Ah-hah, so these are the infamous leotard photos you talked about. I think you look hot in the leotard. Can you add 80s hair with a head band next time?…Kinda like Olivia Newton John’s, Let’s Get Physical video, but in a hotter way. I want to grow up looking like you some day
Loredie
August 15th, 2007
wow!! no pics of the back???
mike
October 7th, 2007
Cool outfit Kelly! Can’t one to get one of those outfits for myself.
A real guy like me wears a leotard. LOL.
Bless you always Kel, and take care.
Chris Kennedy
December 15th, 2009