Ms. Shari is back with another dispatch chock-full of new insights about commiseration and credit and all kinds of good things. She’s living proof that it is actually possible to feel reasonably good about yourself on most days. Check it out.
Dressing Problem
They say old habits die hard and anyone who has ever tried to quit smoking or some other addictive habit knows how true this is. Having gotten the cigarette monkey off my back for good almost 15 years ago (I am getting old, aren’t I?), I steal myself for the persistent whining of addiction whenever I get ready to be the boss of my body again.
I also know that we humans have ingrained reactions to various situations put in place by our environment and other factors that have fucked us up during our time here on Earth. But like when I quit smoking, I expected these reactions to change when I changed. People were always offering me a smoke after I quit, they were so used to seeing me with a butt. And I would politely and proudly (and yeah, a bit self-righteously) say, “No thanks, I quit.”
But today, I found that I am auto-pilot more than I realized.
Here’s the story: I was in a dressing room at my new favorite consignment store when a woman asked me if I thought the jeans she had tried on looked o.k. I checked her out and said I thought they looked pretty good. She responded with the typical “Well, they’ll look better when I lose the weight I am going to lose.”
And you know what I said? “I hear that.”
So many years of not being happy with the way I looked, not being able to get my body back to the way it looked in my mid-20s (let’s face it, my teens and early 20s were more like the alcohol bloat/munchie years than the wonder years) conditioned me to automatically commiserate with this woman about the sad states of our bodies. Despite how much I have reshaped myself, how happy I am that I finally feel comfortable and strong, I immediately defaulted to self-deprecation and criticism.
Dressing rooms are traumatic places and asking a stranger for her assessment of your booty in a pair of jeans is a pretty vulnerable proposition. That the stranger is a size 4 (wait, did she just say she needs to lose weight too?) doesn’t makes the situation very friendly. But this woman was incredibly gracious and said “Are you kidding me? You look great!” Which was enough to bitch-slap me back to reality. I quickly recovered, thanked her and explained that I just lost a bunch of weight so I know how she feels blah blah blah.
Yeah, I was embarrassed that my emotional state hasn’t caught up with my physical reality. And that I let my critic out in such a tacky way. But the upside is that I got to give a major shout out to my very special gym that changed my body (and my life). And this dressing room chica is a local and was really interested in checking out said gym and working on getting a little more room in those jeans. Or hell, bringing ‘em back to the consignment store when they get too big.
You’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and people like you. Don’t be (self) hatin’, regardless of your demin size.
Like I say to all the women out there who have got effed-up body images because we live in a effed-up world: no matter what you look like, you look good. You can only get better (or in my case, batter).
Tsan
July 15th, 2007
I find myself doing that weird self-deprecating bonding thing with strangers all the time, even about things I don’t actually feel the least bit ashamed about.
But I think of it more as a social thing, sort of a blanket “Don’t feel bad about whatever way you think you’re a fuck-up, we all sometimes think we’re fuck ups.” Which, in a broader sense, is true, even if in the particular instance I’m saying it may be completely absurd.
So I don’t worry too much about the studid shit that comes out of my mouth sometimes, even though it may sound way too self-deprectating, as long as I’m pretty clear that I’m just doing it to be nice.
But then I ain’t exactly a model of mental health!
Crabby McSlacker
July 16th, 2007
Women really are that way, aren’t they? We look for ways to connect with others, and self-deprecation to prevent another person feeling bad is bred in the (female)bone. I do it too, but I have always loved the Nelson Mandela quote that Steven and Maya have up in the IC. For non-ICers, here it is. Just totally inspiring and fearless, and, incidentally, originally written by a woman! “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
therese
July 16th, 2007
I want to burn that quote, or rather that ideal, in my mind. Of course it makes me beat myself up for beating myself up. But it amazes me that women I am in awe of have the human insecurities that plague me. Funny that.
Often I will cast aspersions at my own self as a control thing…to beat people to the punch. Like “I know I’m lame so you can’t hurt me by telling me” How lame is that.
On the other hand (back to fitness) when I am at the IC, I feel awesome and powerful. I know I am not the strongest or the fastest but I am putting my all out there and I am proud to be strong and getting stronger.
girlscientist
July 17th, 2007