FitnessFixation.com

Men’s fitness magazines in general make a better read than women’s, because they tend to have more humor and less weak-ass workouts. But my favorite thing is when men’s mags tell guys how to deal with women. Funny on a number of levels, including the fact that we females are not one inexplicable, homogenous mass determined to persecute and confuse males. The articles usually have one of three elements:

-They base analysis of female behavior on hormones (apparently, blaming PMS for our violent acts has made us seem completely driven by our glands.)

-They explicitly spell out body language stuff you would expect any reasonable person to already know (hey, if she avoids making eye contact with you, she probably doesn’t want to fuck you, either!)

-They use manly analogies, like sports stuff or things guys do with “buddies” (we’re just buddies, honey!) to advise men on proper behavior.

If I was the target audience for these columns, I might be a little insulted. And the advice is often suspect as well. Let’s look at an article from Men’s Health that (jackpot!) combines all the above elements. It’s called “Her Shot Clock: Properly timing your moves ensures a victory.” Hey, it’s V-Day! So what do they say to do?

1. “The Tip-Off. Right time to pick her up: After 11 p.m.”

Hmm, this seems to like an unwise way to start the game. Aren’t most people at clubs and bars really drunk after 11 p.m.? Do you want her to have to covertly go through your wallet the next day to learn your name? She might be tempted to take a little cab fare while she’s at it. The expert says that if she turns her shoulders to you and throws you a glance or two, she has some allegience to you, even if she’s zeroed in on another guy. Um, if she’s zeroed in on another guy, don’t be a “sloppy seconds” loser. That’s pathetic. She might keep turning toward you because she’s afraid you’re gonna sneak up on her.

2. “The Fast Break. Right time to kiss her: when she’s in position.”

Uh, duh. Don’t kiss her when she’s running from you, okay? This is the idiot’s guide to body language. Oh, and I love this: they say, “Watch the lips–tight means rejection, Shaq-style.” So when you want to kiss her, think of Shaq.

3. “The Slam Dunk. Right time to score: Before brunch.”

Are we women more relaxed and happy in the morning? Not me. My first waking thoughts are panicked, and it takes a while to get over the day-dread. And any sex that occurs pre-teeth-brushing has problems out of the gate.

4. “The Foul Shot. Right time to apologize: 1 day later.”

I’ve probably burned all your clothes by then. I recommend a speedier recovery.

5. “Game Over. Right time to break up: A day before your–or her–business trip.”

Oh, they say she’ll do better when her job is going well and she can rely on her social network. Maybe I’m weird, but my network does not come from my job. I say anyone who breaks up with me and then leaves town is a pussy. And dumping me right before I leave for an important business trip where I’ll have to make presentations to a big group of influential people and be faux-cheerful and try not to be sniffly and puffy-eyed will not earn you a fond place in my memory. When I return from that trip, you will feel my social network come down hard on your ass. Expect popped tires and dead animals on your doorstep at a minimum.

But keep trying Men’s Health! Train in the off-season, and maybe you’ll win a couple next year.

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 8th, 2007 at 2:38 pm and is filed under blah blah, feelings, other mags. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.