FitnessFixation.com

I get all these women’s health magazines in the mail for free, maybe because of having a gym. Perhaps the magazine people assume we have a gym outfitted with rows of cardio equipment and that we might place these magazines on racks for people to read while they stairmaster or whatever, not realizing that in fact most people who work out here are lucky if their vision isn’t too blurry to make out the faces of loved ones. That’s me being creepily macho about how hard our workouts are, also known as “dick-swinging.” I know, how lame, and not even accurate.

Anyway, these magazines have sexy exciting titles like “Healthier Health For You” and “Fitness Woman” and “No We Are Totally Into Health” or some such shit, and it is my conclusion from reading them that there is at most one actually useful piece of information per issue, if that, and it is usually a line in the little blurb-y section, and it’s something like, “Blueberries have more vitamin C than oranges” and that’s not a real one, but you get the idea. So these magazines could be, in my opinion, condensed to exactly one sentence, which would leave room for even more of those copious tampon and yogurt ads, and sorry to the guys out there, but the way those two are put in close proximity always makes me think of yeast infections. Collective ewww to your moms, yo.

It did get me thinkin yet again about how FF be more like your average women’s health and fitness magazine.

-Still more articles on “Seven Things Your Doctor Might Not Notice—That Could be the Signs of a Deadly Disease.” I’ve mentioned this before, why is it that in magazine-land, almost all these signs of imminent death are located in and around your vagina? I am pretty familiar with my own vagina, thanks, but in order to self-diagnose I would have to look at that thing with a very invasive mirror, some forensic tools, and a clinical zealotry that would probably quickly devolve into a very inconvenient form of OCD. But apparently it is nothing short of a miracle that my uterus hasn’t come sliding out all riddled with cancer. Ticking time bomb, I guess.

-A diary of my training for an endurance event with the goal of raising money for a worthy cause. I am now training for a quad-athalon (25 mile walk, 1/22 mile jog, 3 mile swamp wade, and 2 mile gatorade chugging contest) for a cause near and dear to my heart. It’s called Operation Pretty Woman, and the organization raises money for makeovers for prostitutes, so working girls can feel good about themselves and make more money. See, when you look pretty on the outside, you feel pretty on the inside, and just because you are selling sex doesn’t mean you have to dress like a hooker, I mean, with some make-up tips and a closet overhaul streetwalkers can walk the streets with confidence and be full of self-love, because everyone knows make-overs aren’t about appearances, they are about self-esteem, which comes from your appearance but not in a shallow way, noooo. Anyway, this organization is important to me, because of course my sister is a hooker. It’s very inspiring.
My sister loves it when I joke about her on FF.

-New exercises touted by a celebrity trainer. There will be some mention of the one first-tier and two third-tier celebs this person trains, and then there will be a variation on the lunge, the crunch, and something shoulder-raise-y. Maybe a squat or two. The step-by-step instructions will be harder to follow than the plotlines on “The Wire” if you missed half the season. You only have to start with 10-20 reps of each three times a week (yes, FINE, with 3-pound weights, what woman owns heavier?) plus walking on other days, oh, and cut-your-calories-to-like-1200-a-day-using-our-bland-recipes-for-slow-soul-death, heeee. And you should see BIG results. Yeah. By the way, “The Wire” is one of the best shows ever, just killah. Love Omar. Isn’t that more interesting than the damn lunges?

-Side by side comparisons of foods. Instead of: [delicious scone photo] have [yogurt and berries photo]. Is there a human being ALIVE who doesn’t know a egg muffin fast food sandwich has more calories and less nutritional value than an apple and a tiny smattering of almonds? Please, please kill me.

-A one-paragraph mention of studies about how stress and/or lack of sleep are bad for you. No. Shit. Also no mention of the fact that some of the studies included about 5 people and were largely inconclusive, but hey, that never matters, we are fitness ladies, not scientists. I’m not saying sleep deprivation and stress are good for you, they just make you a bitchy little writer who sits at home trashing women’s magazines for the 75 millionth time because it’s kinda fun, and more pleasant than having to find actual topics or take a hard look in the mirror. Who the fuck is the fairest… Anyway, the solution? Get more sleep and less stress. No, there might be tips like: you could take 15 minutes to meditate at your desk at work. No one will think you are a weirdo, I swear. I’m doing it RIGHT NOW, while I write this.

Also, I’m making sure I have gotten enough omega-3 fatty acids and doing bicep curls and organizing my desk and having a heart-to-heart with my gossiping co-worker and looking at my vagina for danger signs and also I’m flattening my stomach with heart-healthy foods and still more crunches. And I’m multi-tasking, cuz we ladies are good at that, and I’m getting outside and running away from the rat race and breaking free from emotional eating and moving into a brand-new me. And I’m bored with this topic now, so bye bye.

You know what’s not boring? Jennifer Dziura, who I just stumbled on while looking for a photo to post with this. Here’s her fitness posts, and I think she’s very funny.

This entry was posted on Saturday, June 12th, 2010 at 11:05 pm and is filed under body building, celebrity, exercise, expert advice, healthy crap, new moves, news and research, one for the ladies, other mags, stress. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.