Training is serious business. When performing the highly technical bicep curl with five whole pounds, I always have a spotter to actually lift my arm for me.
I could tell you I feel all bad about not writing much lately, but I swore I’d never write that post because they are insanely boring to read, and nobody gives a shit, and it goes against the spirit of this post I am now writing. Which is anything but boring. Um, possibly. No promises, remember, lowered expectaaaations. Glad we have that deal.
Hey, there’s unrelated personal trainer picture mocking though. That’s something, right? Send me anything you want me to make fun of, I LOVE these.
Anyway, lately I have not felt like working out.
Let’s clarify this: I rarely feel like working out. Chances are I’m always too tired or sore or would rather be sitting on my porch or napping or staring at the wall. Very occasionally I’ll have a bona fide janky itch to sprint or do some metabolic workout, but odds are not good this will be the case when I leave my house for a run. It only gets better mid-to-late workout, or right after I’m totally done. So part of exercise for me is doing it when I don’t feel like it, which again, is almost always.
“Hold still…good. Now I’m going to get on your back and ride you like a pretty pony.”
But this past week I just felt about zero drive to do anything. The week before I missed some workouts because I had a cold, and that often lights an anxious fire under me, but no dice this time. I just had no motivation and the thought of doing sweaty exercise-y stuff seemed overwhelmingly tedious and exhausting.
I’d like to say time constraints were a factor, but I really don’t buy that “I don’t have any time to exercise” thing. I believe the ability to anything–including some form of physical activity–is a question of priorities. I don’t mean that in a judgmental way at all, sometimes other priorities are really important, and lord knows I could give a rat’s ass if anyone exercises, I don’t think it’s the one true way to happiness or any such nonsense. But the fucking President of the United States, the guy with the craziest job ever, finds time to work out. It’s always somewhere in the realm of possibility. I started running at a time in my life when I had the most demands on me and the least amount of free time. It was just important enough to forgo sleep and some other things. Me and Obama, we feel each other totally, we’ve been in the same boat. And by the way, I’ll get us out of this recession as soon as I finish this post, that’s why I’ve been too busy to write.
“Mmmm, what a firm hand. Spot me, trainer, spot me hard.”
Anyway, I didn’t feel like working out this week, so you know what I did? A few days I rallied, but some days I didn’t exercise. Nothing. Zippo. Zilch.
I wouldn’t like to do this regularly, because this exercise shit is actually important to me in many ways and for many reasons. But in the past, if I had missed this many workouts, I would have had to do my little head-fuck about it. You know, the one where I get very anxious about how I’m losing it and soon I’ll be completely out of shape and unable to motivate and this is just the beginning of the end of my athletic life. I would panic that I was about to turn into a mushy shlump. I would worry about what I ate. I would have had to guiltily confess to people that I was being a slug. There would have been some panic and self-loathing.
“No, I’m sorry, that’s still wrong. Your form is crap. This is hopeless.”
This time I just figured, “Fuck it.” Well more accurately, I realized I no longer feel self-hating about it, and I decided this was a temporary phase and I would just go with it. I thought about how maybe I needed rest and blah blah blah and then determined that I didn’t care if that was true or not. In other words, somehow I got a reprieve from my usual mental woo hoo. I just didn’t feel like trying to motivate myself through feeling bad or performing this “I’m such a loser” shit for other people.
So yesterday I did work out and today I ran and I still am not dying to do stuff but I feel less unmotivated than before and I’ll probably try to get back into some things I haven’t done much of lately. I also noticed I kind of missed being sore and I was feeling envious of people exercising. No big deal. It may not make for the most neurotic blogging ever, but I guess I’m at a point where I trust myself enough to know this lack of drive won’t be how I always feel. I know it sounds weird, but it’s a rare kind of confidence, maybe coming out of some years of consistently doing fitness stuff. Personally, I like it. It seems like a rebellion against something I don’t really understand, and I love a rebellion.
Some of you may be thinking, “Um, duh.” Yes it was always crap that a few days off would be the end of my fitness life for good. But I thought about it when I read this article on celebrity weight struggles. Celebrity drivel is annoying anyway, and the whole “I’m so gross because I gained weight” thing… On the one hand I understand it, and on the other, I think there’s something messed up in there. The article puts it well: We think of weight gain as a sign of moral failure, so when public figures (and let’s face it, primarily women) put on pounds they have to publicly declare they are losers and that they feel so terrible to somehow soften the fact that they are really bad, weak people for not being able to control their weight. Claiming to be disgusted with themselves means they are moving back to the straight and narrow path.
Yeah, they probably actually feel bad, because we don’t treat obesity kindly in this society. And maybe they felt physically, mentally and emotionally better when they were thinner, but I wouldn’t guarantee it, because it probably depends on how they got thinner. But either way, I guess the real question is: Why should anyone else care at all?
The technique here is flawless…If your boxing strategy is to get into the ring and say, “Omigawd! I feel so butch!” while gently poking your opponent in the chest.
I’ve noticed that the minute someone says they are fat and don’t feel bad about it, that when anyone asserts you can be fat and fit, someone else has to chime in with how wrong this is. Um, hello? If another person weighs whatever “obese” weight and is fine with it, then why should folks get so uptight and righteous? At the very least, no one should have to perform the “I hate myself” dance for the benefit of anyone else.
Look, I get first-hand the panic and anxiety about gaining weight. I certainly wouldn’t wish low self-esteem on anyone else in the service of anything, and the more I read about obesity and food and weight gain and loss, the more convinced I am that there’s tons we don’t know yet about how these things relate to health for individuals. And anyway, I never was good at the whole puritanical thing, and I don’t think this is a moral issue. Therefore, I obviously do not care if someone else is a bajillion pounds, and if they are happy and healthy and like themselves, well… I like the rebellion in that. And I have a hard time understanding why anyone else would find it upsetting in the least.
so, at the outset, this cheered me up immensely, as I am sitting in a kid’s hospital bed trying to keep my son’s oxygen from being ripped from his nose (by him). And my ass hasn’t seen the gym in 2 weeks. Thank you for making it OK…. and not OK, too.
Tsan
June 2nd, 2009
I struggle when I mess up, whether it be working out or eating. If I decide to go ahead and have that cookie I’m like screw it, bring on the chips! I don’t know whether it has to be an all or nothign thing for me and I’m still trying to find some sort of balance.
Julienne
June 2nd, 2009
Completely random question, but I thought you might be a good person to ask - do you know of any protein powders that actually taste good? Or an unflavoured powders that actually don’t taste like anything?
Any help would be appreciated!
Julienne
June 2nd, 2009
Some times you have to be gentle with yourself. Some times.
Other times you have to be ready to give yourself a swift shoe to the ass.
Unfortunately, only you know which is which.
Boxing Dad
June 2nd, 2009
That article was a bit painful to read mostly because self-loathing and I are such close friends. I rarely feel like resting but I am sure it’s mostly for fear of losing ground.
Subject change: How about Michelle’s gorgeous back? Yum!
Shari
June 2nd, 2009
I think that once you get into the routine of exercise as a daily part of life, even a couple of weeks off isn’t that big of a deal. It’s just something you can’t really live without. But I totally understand the fear of, “is this it? will I go downhill from here?” Everyone has slumps like that.
Surfergrrl
June 2nd, 2009
Can I get an “Amen” for Michelle’s back?! I love having a strong female in the White House.
As far as the self-loathing goes, I can identify. But these days, I’m realizing that being active truly is part of my life, not just a costume I wear, so I’m less likely to fear that I’ll backslide like I used to when I was in my 20s. Getting older does have its benefits, I guess. I’m also actively working to focus on how I feel as opposed to how I look when I regularly exercise, to create a positive pattern around exercise that has nothing to do with weight or looks, and isn’t fueled by fear. Getting in touch with feeling good while exercise ain’t easy sometimes, but it does make me so much more aware of my surroundings so that I can appreciate the trees, the blue sky, and that runner who I scared shitless when I caught up to her while she was plugged in to her iPod. It doesn’t always work, but I am grateful to have discovered some relief from the previously incessant self critic.
I also think the worry about backsliding is almost just a bad habit rather than any take on reality for those folks who have been living an active lifestyle for more than a few years. We’re just so conditioned to have self doubt around our bodies and our fitness levels that our perceptions become skewed and we forget how much we overall enjoy being fit, and that this is what actually keeps most of us coming back day after day, year after year. I think Kelly’s said it before, the celebrities that are always yo-yoing probably haven’t found an activity they truly enjoy enough to keep at it because their focus is always on losing the weight, not enjoying an activity. I really hope women (and men) can stop punishing themselves and start enjoying what their bodies are capable of, not how many pounds they weigh. Whew, wordy today!
Hoolia
June 2nd, 2009
Your timing on this couldn’t be better on this. Thank you.
With sick kids making me miss work outs and feeling crappy and tired and not being sure if it is because I am sick too or if I am just feeling crappy because I’ve missed workouts and seeing the sun lately. Tsan’s post gave me a bit of perspective though. My kid is home sick, not at the hospital.
Oh I do worry about falling off the work out wagon because consistency has always been an issue, though I have come to realize that I am not too busy to work out. I make time for what is important to me. I feel better when I exercise and I am getting addicted to it. Thank you and Juliet for that! I am still working on the self motivation though. Oh yes, I am a card carrying member of the self loathing pity party crew. With age though, I too have come to be more okay with just who I am. And that means accepting my faults and weaknesses and trying to improve myself rather than beat myself. Most of the time…
With that said, let’s see how much of a hissy fit I have in the morning if I have to miss class AGAIN tomorrow.
Stas
June 2nd, 2009
I just went out and ran 5k after reading this after umm’ing and ahh’ing about whether I wanted to go out. ;p
I’ll be going to the gym later too!
HCR
June 3rd, 2009
longevity, peace. love. that’s it.
and salt water helps just about everything!
surfmom
June 3rd, 2009
Awesome rant. We all go through our ups and downs with how we’re feeling about working out. Sometimes I’ll have months of “Go!Go!Go!” and other times I cringe at the thought and drag my feet behind me as I pout the entire way to the gym.
I just always make sure to keep it “scheduled” into my busy life. If I wake up and know I’m supposed to go to the gym, I’ll get there, one way or another.
I was on vacation the last 11 day’s though and getting back to life and working out… not so fun. ha ha.
Hope you get back into your routine soon!
Rayna
June 3rd, 2009
I am fat and don’t hate myself, AND I am fat and fit, AND I don’t care fuck-all what anyone else thinks about that. I wasn’t always this way, but I have SO many other more important things to focus on now. Nice post.
I like the “Virtually Tasteless Any Whey” protein powder. It has little flavor, just a very slight sweetness or malty-ness to it. And it’s not insanely expensive. I get it at GNC, but it might be available elsewhere.
Marla
June 3rd, 2009
That last part reminds me of something I read today . . .
http://usatriathlon.org/content/index/6476
Through the whole article, she acknowledges that she’s overweight and the heaviest one at such a race and the last one to finish and so on and so forth. But you know what? She was out there training for an Ironman. So there’s some proof that a fit body comes in all kinds of shapes.
Jamie
June 3rd, 2009
I’m fat and fit and *most days* don’t care fuck all what others think. I did self-loathing for nearly 30 years and it didn’t get me anywhere.
Belinda
June 4th, 2009
I try to stay fit and less fat than I used to be. So far so good. I try not to kick myself for missing my targets and being “lazy” sometimes. Just keep moving forward and try to do better the next day. I can tell you though, if I lived near this place in KC, it would be ugly.
http://www.cupcakealamode.com/
Tony K
June 5th, 2009
Thank you for this. I’m so tired of hearing judgement about other people’s bodies and I’m tired of judging my own.
Fat does not always = unhealthy anymore than thin always = healthy…and why are we so willing to believe people can be naturally thin but no one believes people can be naturally “not” thin?
stlwtr
June 5th, 2009
Well, I try to keep it together. Sometimes I am just too pooped from work and hitting to gym hard does not help. Wow rest. New concept. I always love my Sun Warrior raw vegan protein powder!
Sam G-wood
June 5th, 2009