Yeah, the stick people always kick you when you are down.
I wasn’t going to write anything for FF today, mostly because I’m tired and I feel thbbthhh. Make that physically, somewhat icky and emotionally, extremely bleugh. The result of the physically icky (i.e. I might be sick, but will not admit that because it bothers me) is that I haven’t really worked out for a few days. I did attempt to run today, hoping it would perk me up, and it DID NOT DO THAT AT ALL. This, as you might imagine, does not help the old emotional bit, which was dipping downward in its own lovely way without even the lack of exercise to propel it along. Perhaps you are now speculating that I am a fairly moody and rather emotional individual, and that I must be a real joy to interact with on a daily basis because of it, and you might just be right about that. But I do try and make this relate-able to the more stable among you out there (i.e. all of you) so I will capture the feeling I’m experiencing for you and imagine you can relate.
Discouragement. It’s what happens when you mix a little self-loathing with some weepiness and add a dash of hopelessness. Toss in any number of futile and idiotic strategies for dealing with things (be sure to include the consequences of those behaviors!), a sense of grandeur, and a good dose of anxiety about the future. Voila! Feeling fucked now, and not in a good way.
A few things that I do know can poke me into discouragement: Thinking I “should” be able to do or learn something better or faster or more badass-ly by now, for such-and-such reason. Preparing to do things I am afraid to do, or spending too much time trying to control the future. Consistently letting myself down through inaction or procrastination. Failing at something. Comparison to others can do bring it on, as can unrealistic expectations. It is possible being sick may contribute as well, I wouldn’t know, I don’t get sick.
I am feeling some general discouragement about multiple areas of my life, which is why this is unnecessarily dramatic in a way that will soon be embarrassing to me. But I can get worked up about my workouts too, and of course, when I feel shitty about one thing, I often think, “Hell, why not feel shitty about it all and be done with it?” Anyhow, I do have a few ways dealing with discouragement. Not good ones, of course, but they are mine and so I find them precious. And I really, really hate discouragement, I attempt to get rid of it as soon as I possibly can.
Step one: Throw a gigantic tantrum. Whining incessantly to others or sobbing on my porch are my preferred methods, but sometimes I hurl objects or start talking bitterly about how “it doesn’t matter anyway, who gives a fuck.” Yes, it’s super cute. Better if I can do this part by not picking a fight with people, because sometimes I do that too.
Step two: Do the idiotic pep talk to myself. I can on occasion make myself believe my own bullshit, and thank god for that. The most effective thing seems to be to tell myself that I will be using this discouragement to make some sort of tough-girl comeback, that this will motivate me to do good things. That one works best so far, and at least it’s better than deciding to remain in the fetal position or that this is in fact, everyone else’s fault, not that I ever do that, ahem.
Step three: Formulate some sort of plan for the comeback. It can be vague and unrealistic, the point is just that I move out of the “waa waa” and into something slightly more action-oriented.
Step four: Do something. Action. Take a little step, and preferably a few more after that, until I get bored with it or become inordinately cheered up by something else. When I skip this step though I generally end up feeling like ca-ca again right quick. Or not, sometimes I just move onto something new and shiny and forget why I was being such a whiner, then it bites me in the ass again a few months later.
Now, I don’t ever do this all fast, it takes me days and weeks sometimes, and I’m much better at step one than four. But there, it’s a program and who doesn’t love a step-by-step guide? Generally I don’t. But tonight, since I feel icky, I’ll take it. And I even worked part of the tantrum into the post, how sweet is that?
If you have steps, they will be entertained, especially if you agree with me about the tantrum.
Wow, I hadn’t realised that genetics had come so far as to clone me and put the clone on the other side of the world!
Um, not too good on the steps to get out of the bad place, which is why I’m seeing a therapist, but apparently the putting yourself down/negative self talk (which I’m very good at) isn’t helpful, just makes you feel like crap. So, difficult as it may be, I try not to beat myself up so much, and try to think of positive things I have in my life
Amanda
May 19th, 2009
Darlin’ Did you know we have mercury retrograde? It’s the cause of all this agitation.
I usually wallow in some anxiety and self-loathing until I can guilt myself into actually doing something. Then, I find I don’t know what I was wallowing about.
Unless I don’t.
deb
May 19th, 2009
Doesn’t eating lots of sugar fit in there somewhere?
Joanna
May 19th, 2009
Check the P-Tracker and get back to me, in, what — 4 days?
ThatKim
May 19th, 2009
Umm . . . I didn’t realize my mind existed in someone else’s body so completely. Especially this:
Toss in any number of futile and idiotic strategies for dealing with things (be sure to include the consequences of those behaviors!)
I get A-plus in that crap. Also the giant tantrum. I’m about 1 day from a tantrum of my own, and I’ll add to your list: after a tantrum I generally spend some time verbally bitch-slapping myself out of it: “Get OVER yourself for God’s sake! WTF is wrong with you? Just GET UP and go DO something and quit WHINING about it, for the love of God!”
Sometimes it works better than other times.
Marste
May 19th, 2009
I beat myself up with the should’s, ought-to’s, and the like and spiral down from there. Especially in this preggo stage where my body is not my own. Why I can’t just acknowledge that I’m having an off day, week (or 1st trimester)or whatever and just cut myself some slack, I just don’t know.
And usually, once I’ve come out of it, I can’t quite remember why I thought it was so bad.
Amy
May 19th, 2009
Cupcakes are needed.
she
May 20th, 2009
I think we can all share your pain. Whenever I find myself in that situation, I remind myself “this too shall pass.” Now, please pass me that bottle of vino!
judiesjuice.wordpress.com
JudiesJuice
May 20th, 2009
U what? I don’t understand? Discouragement?
/the Man
peter
May 20th, 2009
When I feel discouraged about feeling physically weak, or having shitty body image I remember this friend of mine who used to be sort of unathletic, somewhat selfconscious, and a bit chubby but still really pretty, and scary smart. Way (way WAY) back we used to threaten to run together but she was worried that she was too slow for me.
Years have passed and this woman now is a FORCE OF NATURE. I shit you not. A goddess of a physical specimen, full of that wicked “do not fuck with me mutherfucker” kind of confidence, super dedicated and truly caring about the crazy shit that goes on (particularly) in women’s bodies and heads and the often jacked up connection between them. The kind of person that you want to make proud of you, even if you can only do a single good push-up. A personal champion of sorts.
I figure if that bitch can do that shit, I sure as hell don’t want to puss out now.
Of course there are other times when I tell that bitch to fuck off cuz I sure as shit ain’t getting my chin up over that bar.
girlscientist
May 21st, 2009
For me I decided long ago that it took me 35 years to get this out of shape, I can take a couple two-three years to get in shape. But I WILL become a badass. That decision (to do what I need to do to become a badass) is the cornerstone of each day (along with being the best Dad I can be).
So, no matter what other crap gets shovelled my way — relationships, work, whatever — I can fall back on doing the work I need to do to become a badass.
Yesterday was a great example. The day S-U-C-K-E-D. But, my perspective was a lot clearer after 8 rounds on the heavy bag.
Hang in there K.
Boxing Dad
May 22nd, 2009
omg This is so how I feel today, I am wanting to throw a tantrum, but I am trying to be more mature and productive, I suspect soon I will just give up and have the tantrum.
Yvette
May 22nd, 2009
OK…After around two years of hanging in the shadows, I just have to step out quickly and add a thought or two. First, when I’m discouraged and find it hard to drag myself out the door to go for a run because I just know it’s gonna suck, I always think back to your story (who’s who) about when you started running and how you HATED it. You kept at it though and over a year went from torturous two miles to five miles (and ended up liking it). That story got me through the first agonizing two months of transforming from walking to running. And guess what…I ended up liking it too, and now I’m running six days a week. You said I (all of us) could do it, and I believed you. Still do. Enough sap.
Lastly, girlscientist, you rock! I love that story…great inspiration!
plainjane
May 22nd, 2009
When I was teaching, I used to keep a file of letter kids and parents (and later, bosses and colleagues) wrote to me telling me how much they appreciated me, or loved me etc. Since you can’t go back and read the comments on the IC post from your last day (since they took it down), you should look in the FF archives from that same time period. You’ve inspired so many people and changed so many lives and through it all, remained funny, focused and genuine. Turn the same compassion you have for everyone else towards yourself. Then have a cupcake and some coffee. You’ll feel better.
Shari
May 23rd, 2009