Ordinarily FF is set up to be gender-neutral, and while at times I mention jog bras or hoo hoos, I still assume that some men may not be uninterested in these topics as well. I believe most workouts should and can be the same for all sexes, and we all can cross train and weight lift and so on as one big happy family of fitness dorks. However, I am now about to write something that may just apply to some ladies, namely those who ride the wave of a hormonal cycle. (Guys totally have cycles too, but most do not track them or have the tell-tale bleeding to clue them in that there’s a reason they threw that spatula and felt hugely fat for the week prior. Plus I swear the PMS-like component for some of em is like, three out of every four weeks. But some might say that about me too, so I’ll shrug and say, “Hey, my emotional nature makes me a better blogger, and lord knows that’s something to be proud of.”) Anyway, dudes are welcome to read this, but be forewarned, cuz I will talk about periods, dum dum dum duuuuum.
Anyhow, if you personal train with me, you know that any mention of PMS or period might just help determine what we do that day. I’m a believer in customizing for the highs and lows that the hormonal roller coaster can bring. So here’s what I like, and feel free to tell me if you have your own method.
-PMS workouts. Most important. For me, these are all about lifting weights, usually heavy ones, and doing generally aggressive things like throwing things around and doing stuff that makes satisfying crashing noises. I don’t want to jump around or run a ton or do exercises involving level changes or being bouncy-bouncy, because it hurts my sore rack, and I don’t want to race anyone unless there’s tackling and beating on them involved. Fuck jumping rope. I’m usually more tired, sweaty, weepy, angry, and fat-feeling, so I just want to get shit over with and not work on superior technique or personal bests. I do prefer to work out, because it makes me feel better about my ice cream consumption (which coincidentally causes me angst at that time of the month, part of the whole bloated-and-self-loathing package) and because it makes me just a hair less likely to slap someone. Biting the heads off doves is a good post-workout snack.
-Day one of the period. I get this insane energy surge that makes it a great day to do sprinting and all kinds of ambitious fitness-y things, as long as I can avoid having a tampon string hang out the leg of my running shorts. If you are late starting your period, I can sometimes do a workout that I swear will make you bleed, and sometimes even from the correct orifice. There’s lots of weighted or jumping squats and burpees involved.
-Mid-cycle. In addition to basically sniffing everyone I meet in an ovulation-filled haze, this is primo super duper time for workouts, because I feel strong and alive and ripe for, um, fitness. If I could, I’d schedule all personal records and insane workouts and life decisions for this window, because it is just the best for me. Give me some sort of dire workout with technical shit and whatever combination you like, you can’t dampen the optimism of my fertile high. Of course, if the whole world was synched to my cycle, I’d have it made. Let’s get on that, shall we?
By the way, I do love the period tracker application on my phone, and if someone handy with code was really clever, they’d let you download your friends’ period trackers too, so you’d know what to expect from the ladies you love. I live with a couple of them some of the time and I work with others, and boy, would I like to be prepared to be extra-kind or watch out for that fast right cross coming out of the blue.
I am (in case you didn’t guess, HA HA) riding an exceptionally long PMS, which has made it clear to me that my life is shit, that I will never know happiness again, and that is primarily due to the obscene insensitivity of all the people around me. I have done something really smart this time around, which is to decide to hold my tongue as much as possible when someone does something that pisses me off or bothers me intensely. The only way I have managed this is to tell myself that I can say something about that asshole behavior in a few days if it still feels relevant. I am also trying not to make any major decisions about whether or not I am a total failure of a human being, and kind of jiggly too. Looking forward to finding out whether I really do, in fact, hate everyone and everything now. It could be my new personality. Or wait, is it my old personality? We’ll see. Don’t fuck with me, I might cry on you. I feel this behavior of wait-and-see is just the kindest thing I can do for everyone, including myself, right now.
I did go try on bathing suits though. Self-sabotaging sucka fool.
Anyone else do custom workout shit when riding the wave?
Um, do you just assume that the collection of women you are training are all at different points in their cycles? Cuz the shit you described above is what one you workouts is each fucking day. All of it smashed together. Maybe we should text you where we are before the workout so you can tailor the exercises (and fucking interludes, you bitch) accordingly. I’d expect cupcakes mid-cycle though.
Shari
April 20th, 2009
What an awesome idea! I don’t do tailored workouts, but that makes a lot of sense. I especially like the part about throwing things around. And sniffing everyone you meet mid-cycle. That is SO true. I get almost manic during that time
Suzannah
April 21st, 2009
Of all the super-duper amazing things about working out with you, Kelly, this just may be The. Best. I only wish there was a subtle way to advertise it on your website/business card. Subtle, because, you know,of how understated you like to be about everything.
ThatKim
April 21st, 2009
“basically sniffing everyone I meet in an ovulation-filled haze”
OMG, hilarious.
Joanna
April 21st, 2009
Wow, I’m impressed! All I want to do when I get my period is lay on the couch and watch brain-sucking TV shows, interspersed with bouts of red wine and chocolate. The last thing I want is heavy exertion, although I usually do some sort of workout throughout the 7 days that the almighty creator has decided is an appropriate length of time for me to bleed. (Maybe god is a dude, ‘cuz a woman wouldn’t make you bleed that long. ‘course that’s assuming there’s anything else out there, and this isn’t just an extended dream.) So tailoring my workouts around the flood comes down to light running (I have very little rack), yoga, and light weights, and trying to ignore the fear that I’m bleeding through my workout clothes in the gym. Hmm, TMI, methinks.
Hoolia
April 21st, 2009
“I can sometimes do a workout that I swear will make you bleed, and sometimes even from the correct orifice.”
This made me choke on my tea. And that workout would be supremely useful…
Michele
April 21st, 2009
My lower back gets all PMS achy, so I like to avoid squats, deadlifts and ab work during that time.
And I really, really hate it when weekly bootcamp coincides with my “heavy” day. My cycles are very irregular (that time of life) so I never know when it’s gonna happen till it’s happening. I’ve been lucky so far, but I have bad visions of making the gym look like that scene in The Shining when the elevator doors open.
dragonmamma/
April 21st, 2009
I try to avoid ab work when I’m so puffy I can barely see the waist of my shorts for my stomach. Running (small rack) is ok, biking can be tolerable, weights utterly depend - can feel STRONG or can barely be able to lift it off the floor. And for the current extended PMS, may I suggest chocolate to make sure you’re getting enough magnesium?
(chocolate cupcakes work if there’s enough chocolate in them)
So are you writing down the a-hole behavior so you can review it in a few days, or are you going to cut them some mercy once you’re feeling better? (doves???)
MJ
April 21st, 2009
Hey, how about the chocolate work out? We can bench press the 10 pound bar. Unless you ate that.
You are so fucking funny when you are hormonal. Menopause is going to be a hoot!
Shari
April 21st, 2009
Hormonally appropriate for me would be to skip all jumpy things, along with any “partners” stretching because of the gas issue. I might be the only person to mention it so far, but let’s face it, some of us lucky gals get the gas/fart/bloat situation going on just prior or during the Big Event. So, if I look slightly green, due to my respectful holding back of the unmentionable tootilege and I stare hatefully at you when you make the “find a partner” call, just look the other way as I slink out of the barn in search of private, ventilated, quarters.
MJ Too
April 23rd, 2009
I love this post. I love it. Incidentally, I realised a long time ago that saying what I thought about, well, anything during the week before my period would RUIN THE REST OF MY LIFE, so for the last year or so I’ve been putting an asterisk in my diary for the week leading up to my period to remind me to hold my tongue and make no major decisions until the following week.
Katy Newton
April 25th, 2009
This is too funny. I literally just googled “exercises to perk me up when I’m hormonal” it it brought me straight here.
Fuck hormones right up the ass! And good advice to Katy about keeping your mouth shut. Over the past two days, I think i’ve already pushed everyone away. bleh.
Looks like weights and the rowing machine are calling my name, cuz i’m so getting a chocolate cupcake afterwards!
Yvette
June 1st, 2009