Oh, we live in a wacky, wacky world. Didja know Tracy Anderson is opening up a gym in NYC? It only costs an initiation fee of $1500 for a year plus, um, $900 a month. Oooh, wait, hold on:
Bllleeeuuughhhhh. Spit. Wipe.
Yes, that was me vomiting, but only a little, and only for effect, so don’t get all worried about my digestion. Really, I almost hardly get mad about this shit anymore, because at a certain point you have to ask yourself, “What kind of person actually tries to buy Gwyneth Paltrow’s body for that amount of money in a way that means they have to do some idi-fucking-otic workouts no other trainer in the universe endorses?” For that cash, you could get surgery. For the cost of a five-year membership, you could probably buy Gwyneth Paltrow, have her head removed, have yours surgically attached to her body, and never have to pick up a 3-pound dumbbell or fuck around with some lame-dumb band system. (Shades of “Seven” in that I guess.)
But this came up again because Oprah’s pimping of Tracy Anderson was replayed again, and while I said, um, pretty much all I can say about the 3-pound dumbbell system of skinnifying yourself into impossible celebrity proportions and the fact that T.A. is a straight-up con artist, well… Okay, it does still bug me a tiny bit. Only because lots of women watch Oprah and might, you know, think this shit is real.
But why would they? I mean, it’s not like women are afraid of bulking up, right? Can I please ask you to rip out my jugular vein with an Exact-o knife before I ever have to hear the phrase, “bulking up” again? Just put me down like a hamster gone rogue. (Meaning a hamster that ate another hamster, and it happens, don’t ask me to explain, it’s too painful.)
Sigh. Could you technically lose weight with 3-pounders using T.A.’s methods of lifting them a million times for three hours? Sure. Could you lose weight by working on your yo-yo skills for twelve hours a day? Yes. Could you lose weight by dry-humping the couch? Oui. Are any of these the most effective way? Do they make the best use of your time?
Only the dry-humping, my friend. Feel the burn.
But hey, maybe someday we’ll see more famous women with nice, cut arms, and people will admire them, and know that healthy muscles can be loverly. (BTW, yes Madonna is cut, she also got that way from fucking yoga and picking up Kabbalah water bottles, she’s genetically predisposed, yo.) Wouldn’t it be even better if the famous person wasn’t an actress-model-singer, but just someone in the public eye? (Because we expect the celebs to care about their bodies, it’s like job description stuff, and better if it could be someone whose body is incidental to her role.) It might make a commitment to exercise seem doable, normal, admirable. And really, how could their be any backlash against that?
Oh, hi Michelle Obama! I love your arms! We all do!
And then there was a fucking storm over her goddamn arms. Apparently: Her arms are a symbol of American power. She should cover up. It’s about her willingness to have time to herself, and that spells confidence. It’s elitist, excessive, threatening, lovely, gross, overdone, empowering, fuck me fuck me fuck me.
Look, she has nice arms. She wears sleeveless dresses. Her workouts incorporate weights over 3-pounds. She and her husband are both fit. A black woman in a position of relative power who also looks physically strong (and probably is) is unsurprisingly threatening to some people. Thanks for spreading the good word about exercise by example, Michelle, and I for one am sorry you have to deal with all this bullshit because of it. You know, your muscles maybe make some people feel like big ol’ wussies, as does your intellect and success and your husband. A black man can be president (yes we can!) and his wife can be fit, but the latter gets a bizarre amount of attention.
Of course, the ideal aesthetic for bodies—and mostly women’s bodies—changes over time, and it’s linked to class and wealth. You know, when having food and not having to do calorie-burning manual labor is a marker of status, bigger is better. So is paler (tan means you are outside working in the sun.) Then we get a few desk jobs and industrialization and it changes. Thin, frail and pale are for the elite. And changes again. And so on. Now having the leisure time to exercise and tan means you got money, plus you have access to foods that aren’t processed and fattening, and so what comes into vogue?
Let’s hope it’s muscles, because Gwyneth’s lean frame costs you $900 a month. Fuck me.
Why are women so self-conscious about their bodies, anyway?
Dry humping the couch…PRICELESS!!! I hope I don’t get fired for laughing out loud here. WOOPS!
Dee
March 13th, 2009
Excellent! I don’t really have anything to add to this, other than that I really like seeing other people recognize this. Little be little I’d like to see women stop being afraid of weights that don’t look like kid’s toys.
Chris - www.fitnessfail.com
March 13th, 2009
The cost of that is ridiculous! I’ll stick to my “mens” gym. I get comments on a regular basis at the gym that I should have bigger muscles I do becuase of the weights I use and then I gently remind them that I just don’t have the testosterone to make that happen and I’m ok with that. I’m not gonna scare anyone with my biceps but I can carry around a 50lb bag of dog food like nobody’s business.
Jody
March 13th, 2009
I hope all of the people who watched that Oprah are also watching the Biggest Loser (which I just discovered). The trainers make those women work and there are no 3lb dumbbells in sight. D calls the show exercise porn, but that’s probably just because I fast forward through all of the feelings parts.
I love all of the ff posts this week!
KR
March 13th, 2009
*sigh* I think I might love you, just enough to make my dog jealous.
All of the above is ridiculously true. I’m here researching starting a new charity for women to promote exercise as part of a full and confident life. You struck exactly the note I needed.
SAM
March 13th, 2009
Why, if you’re a woman, is taking care of yourself considered “vanity.” No one is up in arms (pardon the pun) that her husband spends time working out - that’s considered admirable. But when she does it, she must be neglecting her duties as a wife and mother. Eff that!
Her arms are gorgeous. If I were in her position I would do the same.
nolafwug
March 13th, 2009
Dry humping the couch doesn’t work for men… book shelfs work, and vacuum cleaners(when we are a bit younger). In any case, I would hope that you are a bit more gender neutral in the future!
peter
March 13th, 2009
Jody, you girlie man….I can carry 200 lbs of dog food…it must be that your muscles aren’t only small but weak too!
/Peter
peter
March 13th, 2009
OK Jody, you might be a girl….but anyway…..
peter
March 13th, 2009
Thank you for this post…another one I can quote to people.
Dawn
dawn
March 14th, 2009
oui. Kelly you crack me up. I hope my big arms look like your “big” arms soon…
Sam G-wood
March 15th, 2009
$900/month?! She.is.fucking.nuts.
I’d like to see her and Michelle in a cage fight. Or even arm wrestle.
Shari
March 15th, 2009
did you see the current New Yorker cover w/ Michelle– 3 pictures, all with arms COVERED! coincidence? I think not!
love to see the smart fit confident black woman representing!!
Virginia
March 16th, 2009
What…? What? WHAT??
I don’t always look at every link you provide, but this time I did, because I didn’t believe you. It’s not a judgment of your integrity, it was simply that *I* couldn’t believe it. First: the price of Tracy Anderson’s gym. No, seriously? Are these people all AIG executives or something? And a 3-pound dumbbell is like, less than what your pocketbook weighs. If we follow that reasoning, every woman in this country would have guns like Michelle Obama without even trying. Second: it’s time for women to say “Oh yeah? Hey, suck my dick!”* a lot more often when their bodies are criticized. I know Michelle Obama can’t talk like that, but I can. And I will, graciously on her behalf.
*One of Roseanne’s best lines, before she became so weird. Apparently some guy called her “unfeminine,” and that’s what she responded with.
Marla
March 17th, 2009
OMFSG!! I laughed so HARD at this post, it surely had to count as exercise! No? Oh well, back to the (bigger than 3 measly pounds) weights for me!!
$900 a MONTH!! $US900!! That’s like - I dunno, a GAZILLION Aussie dollars! (Ok, it’s $Au 1305.97, which is about our post-mortgage income for the month….)
C
March 19th, 2009
just stumbled across this blog in my google reader and this is the first post I read. LOLOL so damn hilarious. I’m officially a fan!
Natalie
March 22nd, 2009
“Only the dry-humping, my friend. Feel the burn.”
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHALOLOMFG!!1!!
Ms .45
March 25th, 2009
Hey, I’ve been looking for 1/2lb weights…for my girl’s preschool. (No kidding)
leslielou
March 25th, 2009
Praise you so much for your help.
Dombkowski
October 19th, 2009
Michelle Obama is very charismatic just like her husband and it is the reason why i like her. I also feel that she could connect with people more easily than any other first ladies.
Nacnette
November 17th, 2009
I love Michelle Obama! She is so intelligent, graceful, stern when she needs to be and she has a wonderful sense of humor.
Beautiful Girls Gallery
January 3rd, 2010